There is nothing more that I could ask for..........................

Christmas Eve for me has always consisted of going to my grandparent's house. We eat dinner and anticipate what morning will bring. When my brothers and I were young we insisted as soon as we were through eating that we had to get home, before Santa came and we weren't asleep. I can remember us driving my daddy crazy, until finally he'd give in, and we'd leave.

As we've grown older we've never lost that excitement about Christmas, but for me the reasons for the excitement have shifted:

Tonight after dinner there were no kids insisting that we make a run for it. There were not tons of presents wrapped under the tree that we tried to sneak peeks at. There was no worry about Santa or any of his reindeer. There was just a great feeling of the need to simply enjoy each other, accept each other, and to be still and know that we are blessed beyond measure to share this time with one another. We laughed, sang, smiled, joked, and clearly were enthralled by the fact that we were all in the same room.

Tonight as I think about what Christmas is, the excitement that the very word brings to my soul, I can't help but think about God's love letter to the world sent to make a way for all. I can't help but think that when he crafted this letter he know exactly what he was doing. And he knew that so many years later my family would gather in a room and share and celebrate that love with one another.

The older I get, and the more experiences I gain, the more valuable all of this becomes. For life is truly a treasure. It is something that should be savored. You can't get a single moment back, and what's happening right this minute is the most important.


AND

There is nothing more that I could ask for.

Phenomenal Woman

Four special women:

There are way more than four, but these are the four that I have been writing about for quite sometime, and have finally decided to publish. 

1. My mother: My mother is the definition of a godly woman. She's extended her hand to help others my entire life. Before me, she was a missionary. When my brother was born, she decided that we(her kids) would become her mission field. She's poured her life into making sure that my brother's and I have what we need. (and my daddy, too.) She tells me frequently that we make her life complete, that we fulfill her, and that there is nothing more important, and I believe that with all of my heart. She is a phenomenal woman.

2. My nana: My mother's mother was the wife of a minister for over 40 years, and that in and of itself tells an entire story. She's loving, giving, and quite stubborn.(All amazing qualities to have) She's seen hard times. She's know struggles, but she's not bitter, and she trusts in God with all of her heart and has displayed that love to me my entire life. She is a phenomenal woman. 

3. My grandma: My grandma has spent a little over a year fighting and re-cooperating from the fighting, of breast cancer. She's remained in fairly good spirits and has a testimony that won't wait. She's never worked a "job" in her life, but has taken great pride in raising her children and being there for her grandchildren. She has taught me valuable money managing skills, and carried on many of my "save the world" conversations with me. She is a phenomenal woman. 

4. My digi: My digi  is a bit different, because I've known her for a much shorter time, but in that time her story has touched every part of who I am. She has displayed for me what forgiveness truly is. She's shown me the power behind that, and it has helped me to unlock my willingness and ability to forgive. Perhaps shes a mentor? Perhaps she's gone way farther than the call of duty? She's a phenomenal woman. 

Phenomenal is a subjective term, and perhaps only matters to the person that thinks it and the person being referred to, but my perception of phenomenal is defined by these women.

Words Don't Suffice

Tonight driving home from Nashville I talked with a friend that's lost her father. All day I've felt an urgency to speak with her, because I needed to make verbal contact.

As soon as she said hello, I felt her spirit leap through the phone and tell me that she needed to be hugged, that she needed for someone to just listen. SO I listened.

I listened as she told me about her father killing himself, and how confused she is, and how much it hurts.

My brain shuffled for words. For something that might be appropriate to say......................THERE WAS NOTHING.

I extended to her that if she needed something, that if there was something that I could do for her, which I know that their isn't, but to let me know if there was.

I sent my spirit to be with her.

When I hung up the phone, I cried out to God. I asked him to send comfort. To let peace like a river flow through her soul. There are so many things in this world that I don't understand, things that hurt. Struggles don't always make sense to me.

Tonight when I got home, I went straight to see my daddy. I wrapped my arms around him, and I told him how much I love him, and how much I need him. I talked to him about this heaviness for my friend.

As I wrapped my arms around him, all I could visualize is my friend never being able to do that again. I prayed for God to help me to take advantage of every moment. To soak it up.

And I prayed that God let my friend feel the presence of her father embracing her throughout the remainder of her life.

Times like these, there is nothing to say. All we can do is send our spirits to be with someone.
Words don't suffice.

Damn You Gingerbread cookie.............

What is your deal? I told you early this morning that I wouldn't be having anything to do with you. I lost another pound last week, and you're not screwing that up, dear.

Lunch time: Michelle, I'm one cookie.......how much harm can I do?



Seriously? You have a small point here..................................

Do you understand that I've been having to pull up my pants all day long, and I kinda like that feeling........Get out of my face!

Yeah, well......It's one cookie.

See, Ive been saving up for this red velvet cake that I have to eat on my birthday, and I don't really understand what that gingerbread cookie couldn't understand about that.....






OH WELL!

My Burning Bush

See, Moses was at a point of desperation when this bush lit up and he heard God's voice calling him to lead the children out of Israel....

I've been at a point of desperation. Doors have closed, slammed shut in my face. It feels like God has said no, way more than he's said yes, lately. It's been hard. I'm human. I'm strong, but I'm human, and a girl can only handle so many times of feeling like she almost made it through the doorway, just to have her nose almost broken by the slamming of that door in her face.

Dissection of powerful lyrics:

(Maybe a reason why all the doors are closed Is

So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road)

Maybe. Maybe God knows way better what I need, than I do. Yea. He does. Maybe I should let it flow. Stop being so bratty every time that he says "not right now." 

(Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow

And when it's time, you'll know)

I know that when it's all lining up exactly right, that I'll be the first to know. I know that when it's perfectly perfect, that a lot of things that seem to matter right this moment, won't mean a thing then. 

(Just own the night

Like the Fourth of July)

This piece of the lyric was at the end of the verse and I think means something different than where I'm taking it, but this is my blog, so it's my interpretation that counts. 
If I don't own this place I'm in right this minute, if I don't shine like the fourth of July right here, then the person that is destined to fall in love with me, may not ever find the light he's looking for. 

(You just gotta ignite the light

And let it shine)

I can tell you now that the light within me shines. No need to hide it. No need to pretend like I'm not intelligent and beautiful. I can testify to the fact that thoughts have ran through my mind lately that look something like this: 
Maybe if I'd just be a little more quiet about the fact that I want a man that knows how to talk to me.....
Maybe it's not going to be a perfect fit. Maybe it's going to be something that grows on me. 
Maybe?
Maybe if I'd take a more submissive role? 


Yeah. I've had all those thoughts, and I'm very glad that they are just thoughts and that I have NO need to act upon them. 


I'll be a firework. 


Had moses been afraid of his capacity to be a firework, the children would have never made it out of Israel, at least not under his direction. 


I'm not Moses, but I'm Michelle, and if I give in to those thoughts and ignore this burning bush, I may miss what there is for me. 

Lord, I'm Amazed By You.

I'm amazed at how I can bring my brokenness to you, and you can speak life into my weary soul.
I'm amazed at how I can pour out my anxiety, and you fill that place with assurance.
I'm amazed at how instant your love brings peace into my soul.
I'm amazed by how creation screams your name, how everywhere I look your light shines.
I'm amazed.
I'm amazed by your love for me.

At a Red Light

I'm sitting at a red light, because it's red, and I often become distracted while sitting there.(It's the ADD)
Anyway, I'm sitting at the red light and I begin to scan through the radio stations to see if I can find something that I like a little bit better. Ahhh. Brad Paisley.....such a nice drink of water. I become lost in my thoughts for just a moment................Light turns green. Yes. I register it, but there is a little old lady getting on across the road with her dog. The person in the car behind me obviously has no inclination of the fact that they are not the only human in the world. Nor do they realize that wherever they are going will more than likely be there long enough for me to wait for this lady to get across the street with her dog.

The whole world is in a hurry, and especially at this time of the year. People are everywhere trying to figure out how they can outdo the Christmas before. Paying little attention to the fact the things that truly matter, don't have a price tag at all. I love Christmas. I love what my parents made Christmas about for me and my brothers. I love that we often went on trips during this time of the year and spent real time with each other. I love that the true joy of it all was very present in my household, and that we knew year round, but especially at Christmas, that there were other people existing in the world and that we weren't the only ones. I'm proud of the fact that the joy of this season that I celebrate lives within me, and that I'm blessed enough to know that slowing down can open my eyes to all that is good.

Obviously

Obviously parent conferences make me nervous. I'm really not all that sure of why. I'm pretty outgoing~not all that shy, but I've been dreading this process for several weeks now. I feel competent, most days. I'm more than qualified. I know all of that, but I still get nervous when it comes to laying all of that on the table for a parent and explaining to them what I am seeing from their child at school. Perhaps if I were a parent and had sat on the other side of the table before, I would be a bit more relaxed about it? I don't know. I just feel so young. I feel too young to do it, or at least I did until today.

Conference began by me telling the parent how much I truly enjoy her children(twins) that I have gotten to know over the past few months. I pointed out some of their individual qualities and then began to dive into the meat of what needed to be said. I showed her pictures and work that the children had completed, and explained to her how I collect what I collect. For each work sample that I showed her I pointed out why it was significant. The further I went in, the more clearly I could see that this parent was throughly enjoying the fact that I was basically showing her a portrait of her child's development. As I rounded it all up and asked if there were questions, she sat there with a smile on her face. She expressed to me how much her children love me and how they come home everyday with some story of an exciting thing that they did at school that day. She said that they often ask each other, "I wonder what Ms.Michelle would think of this?"

Perhaps twenty, four and five year olds are my biggest fans. Maybe I matter to them way more than I often stop to think about. Of course they are important to me, they're my passion. Giving them what they need is my passion, but perhaps their love for school has been set on fire because of some experience that I've provided them with. It feels good to see the fruits of my labor. And today was the day that I NEEDED to see it.

Confessions of a 22(almost 23) year old lady.

I go to church. Why do I go to church? With intent of worshiping the one who created me, not that I don't do it throughout the week, just that I enjoy corporate worship.

What am I thinking this morning as I take a seat and begin to greet some of the people around me?

"Who is that fine boy on that stage with that guitar? Is he kin to me? I know that some of these guys are my daddy's cousins.Could this be one of them's son? IDK? He doesn't really look like any of them. I feel like I would have seen him before if he were part of the family? GOD, I hope he's not in the family." 

Finally, I just ask my daddy. Who is he? "He is a guy that just started playing with them. He's extremely talented for 21. Wait till he picks up that acoustic!"So he's not kin to us? Right? "No" 

(My thoughts)

"Thank God we're not related! I wonder what his name is. I bet it's something wonderful like Steven, or Zach. Lord, I don't know, but he is some kind of fine. (As he begins to sing) Well heart, I'm going to need you to stay inside of my chest if you don't mind. OMG this boy is AMAZING! Mmmmmm I bet he's a wonderful kisser........OMG what is wrong with me? I'm at church. I should be thinking about other things right now. Not about how fine the boy that's singing about Jesus is, but about Jesus, but damn he is AMAZING. I wonder if he has a girlfriend? Surly she'd be near..........I don't see anyone that fits the criteria.......hmmmmmmm. He's young, maybe he's not in anything serious right now? I need to make sure and catch the name so that I can facebook stalk.............................................."

Just then the light hits his finger just right and I notice that there is a ring on his hand.....yep. Left one. 

(My thoughts) 

"Well, maybe it's his class ring and he just doesn't know that he should wear it on the other hand.......Yeah. I'll go with that. I could totally go for a guy with a guitar. And that voice is not bad at all. The harmony that we could create would be nothing short of wonderful. WHAT THE HELL AM I THINKING? Michelle, you have got to get a hold of yourself"

Just about that time my thoughts were interrupted by my father saying, "Don't worry baby, I already checked and he's married. I know. I almost cried, too." 

First of all I have got to work on controlling my thoughts and second of all I've got to keep my father, of all people, from reading them. 

FYI: I never went through a boy crazy age in high school.....so maybe my time is now.

At the Altar

I decided to go to church very early tonight, because I wanted to work on a few things that I've been writing and I like my keyboard at church way better than the one I have at home. So, I locked myself in and I poured myself out.

Often when I write I pour all of my thoughts onto a page and then I begin to play some sort of chord progression and form some of the words that sound good together into what are my feeble attempts to write a song. I do it for me, so it really doesn't matter how feeble it is. Anyway, tonight was weird. There was a heaviness within me that I can't quite describe. I'm really not that sure where it came from, or why it was lingering, but as I stood there trying to think, I knew that I needed to spend some time in the arms of love.

I laid down on the floor, because some of my deepest revelations have come in the comfort of curling up at the feet of the almighty. Honestly, I didn't say anything to start with. I just laid there and begin to weep. I'm really not even sure what I was crying about, but as my time in that place went on I begin to visualize and pray for different people within my life and myself. 

I asked God questions tonight. I asked him if I'd be "alone" all of my life, or if he'd ever decide that the time was right. I asked why people that love so hard and sow so much good into this world have to hurt the way that they do. I asked why my grandmother seems to be worse mentally each time that I see her. I asked why a precious little girl that has barely tasted life is struggling thorough her best years with leukemia. There's more I'm sure. 

I think I fingered out where the heaviness came from. I internalize it. I guess in a way I feel like if I can hold these things within my heart long enough, they'll somehow be made better. Kinda conceited huh? 

I poured it out. I poured it out on the altar. And though it was in the form of many questions, I could feel God pouring an extra ounce of his love all over me. I could feel Him speaking to the secret places of my heart and saying, "My child, don't you worry, because I've always held you and I won't let go now." 

Did God answer my questions? No. But he did soothe my soul. You see, the questions that I'm asking him aren't ones that I can have the answers to, because if I had those answers there would be little room for trust, or faith. 

I don't have the answers, but I do have the peace. 

A Choice

(My Eat.Pray.Love. inspired blog) 

The way I see it a woman has many choices that she makes throughout her lifetime and on a daily basis; what shoes to wear with which dress, what fragrance fits the evening best, which eyeshadow makes her eyes sparkle the most. But, some of her most important choices are ones that impact her life on a more serious level.

Society has a way of masking this fact from us, and if we're not careful we might start to think that things that we really do get to choose, aren't choices at all.

See, in some countries women aren't allowed to choose the person that they spend their life with. They don't date. They don't fall in love. They don't choose. But in this country we are privileged to have the freedom of dating, of finding out what we want and what we don't want. Our intuition speaks to us. It tells us whether it works, or not. Do we always listen? I'd say no. We don't always listen, and sometimes that voice inside that's saying "This just doesn't fit" is outweighed by the ones saying," There's this white dress" and  "perfect shoes"and "All my friends will be there" and "My mama loves him" and so on. We listen to the voices around us instead of listening to the one within~and that's the one we have to live with.

After being close to falling into a hole I've decided that this choice is about me. I'm a giving person and I love to be able to make the people in my life happy, but when I make this choice, when I chose the person that I'll spend the rest of my life with, It will be right, and it will be for me.

I've recently had to say to a very "good" guy that my choice is this.............and little did I know this was a proclamation of the fact that I am proud to exercise this right.

I am so glad that I get to choose and that I realize that this is my choice. I'm in a very blessed season of my life, and I can say that I don't always fit. There's not a lot of people my age that agree with me, but there are those few that have been placed in my life for the divine purpose of offering the support that I need to know that I HAVE A CHOICE, and I provide the same for them.

My prayer is that the exercising of my right will in some way enable someone else that lives in that box to be freed from the bondage of thinking that there is a norm to fit. There is no norm. Create your own norm, because in the end you're the one that lives with that norm.


And so, I'll dance with my hair down

 ‎"Love that will not betray you, dismay or enslave you,It will set you free.Be more like the person you were made to be.There is a design,an alignment to cry,of my heart you see,The beauty of love as it was made to be."

I mean I seriously could have written this, and I did slightly alter a word..............too bad I didn't write it :) 

There is something entirely spiritual about these few words. Something very real and very pure. 

Thank God for a good walk and a the good shuffle feature on my ipod!  

If it ain't right in my soul, then it just ain't right.

"There are two ways to be fooled. One is to believe what isn't true; the other is to refuse to believe what is true."
— Søren Kierkegaard


As women, we just know. We have this innate ability to know if it's all lining up or not. Many women are afraid of that, and they do everything that they can to drown that voice out, but thank God that mine screams load enough for me to hear it. 


Compromising yourself=fake=unhappy


That's what I think. 


If it ain't right in my soul, then it just ain't right. 

I Want Real

 ‎"Don't you wanna stay here a little while?Don't you wanna hold each other tight?"

I want to stay here a little while. I want to stay exactly where I am. I want to feel my way into it. I want to be held, and know that by learning about each other I can truly fall in love. I want to be real. I want to be understood, and I want to be loved completely; completely for the person that God has created me to be. I won't hide, and if that can't be handled, then it'll be time for me to take notice of that fact. 

"Don't you wanna fall asleep with me tonight? Don't you wanna stay here a little while? We can make forever feel this way?Don't you wanna stay?"

I want to hang onto every moment, and never push for the next. I want to breathe in the time that we have right now. I want to sit back and realize my blessings. Be lazy with me. I don't want to make plans. I make plans all the time. I know that I know how to make plans, but I want to know how to NOT make plans. I want to feel it out; figuring moment by moment. I need to feel. I want real. 

This world is full of flashing lights and shiny "relationships". Full of things that look amazing from the outside. It's full of partnerships that are glittery, and to some, the goal in life. I don't want glitter. I don't want flashing lights. I want to sparkle from the inside out, and in order for that to be, we have to just stay. 

Stay with me. Be with me. 

Love Gives

These two words continue to resonate within my soul from a wedding that I recently attended.

It gives. That's all there is to it. Love overcomes hurdles that no amount of intellect will ever be able to grasp. No matter how much we think about it, it will NEVER make sense.

Different kinds of love? Certainly, but they all have that one thing in common. They give.

I'm praying for God to help me givingly love. To be able to understand myself enough to never compromise my individuality, but to fall in love. To fall in love without worrying about what might happen, and just focus on what IS happening.

What is happening:
There is this guy in my life that I care about, and for so long my cynical mindset has kept me from giving the way that I really do want to.

Is he "The One"? I don't know, but I don't have to know. I trust that God has put the right people in my life and that I'm strong enough to push through each season and all of the changes that come along with that.

It'll never be a mistake, because it's a part of my growth.

Are there standards? Of course there are. I've worked too hard to get where I am to let anything jeopardize that, but as long as that love is giving on both ends, I don't see how it can do anything but add to my life.

My prayer:
God guide me. This is uncertain ground, but you are my certain ground and I put all of my trust in you. I'll stand firm in who you're making me to be. I'll allow you to use me as your instrument of peace.I'll sit safely in your lap of love. And if it ends, there is no loss, because I gave love, and there is never a loss in love.

"You know what Michelle? I love you"

For the past three weeks of my life I have felt like all hell has broken loose. I've tried to be strong. I've tried to hold fast, but I have been broken. I've tried to cling to the things in my life that bring me the most joy, and they have eased the pain, but it's still been SO tough. When the waves are crashing, the ship just won't stay steady on the water.


The past 3 days have been so much more enjoyable. I have begun to look at all of the positive and all of the things that I have and really surround myself and bask in my blessings.

After nap time today, one very special little boy looked at me and said "You know what Michelle? I love you"(No Ms. in front. Very personal.)

Those very moments take my breath away and breathe life into my soul at the same time. It's almost as if the very voice of God is whispering "You know what Michelle? I love you. And I don't care that you don't understand. And it's not important for you to see why right now. I need you to trust me. I need you to trust my plan for you. I need you to let go."

I am so very blessed to be who I am and where I am. I have SO much. Not of monetary value, but of love. From the time that I was born until this moment, my parents, grandparents, siblings, and friends have showered me and wrapped me in love. And that love continues to push me onward.

Never Gonna Give Up

It's really been an ongoing thing in my life, and I've often felt silly. Sometimes I'm the only one standing, and sometimes there are others standing by my side. No matter what, I don't believe in giving up and I don't believe in lost causes. I do know that there are times when I am forced to brush my feet off and keep on going, but I never let go of that individual and I always think of them, in hopes that my thoughts will somehow be with them. I don't like being told "you can't." Because I know that if I want to, I can. Those "You can't" words hurt even worse when they come from someone that you respect. Stings. Really bad. I know that I can. So I will. 

Rose Colored Glasses

If accused, I'd plead guilty. It's how I've always been. I don't think really hard about what could happen, until it does happen. As far as peace of mind goes, I have a great deal of it. I'm not shaken easily. I don't worry about locking doors most of the time, but in habit I do do it when I leave my house (most of the time) . This past Thursday my theory of "If they want in, they're coming in" was proven. Someone, or someones broke into my house and took what I believe to be what they could carry. They took my electronic devices and some jewelry. I was upset. I was hurt, but most of all I was scared. I felt fear flood my body in places that I have never felt it before. When I walked into my house, after going to get my daddy because I felt the "Someone's been in my house" feeling at the front door, I saw that my stuff had been taken, and I was really fine until I went into my bedroom and saw that my closet had been gone through along with all of my jewelry boxes. I felt a feeling of invasion. I felt deprived of oxygen and I was more hurt than anything.

It's all just stuff. It can all be replaced for the most part, but my peace of mind, it was stolen. I decided that I was a big girl and that I could handle spending the night by myself. At about 10:30pm I heard something and felt panic flush through my body. I called my daddy and he came and got me. I felt pathetic. I felt childish. I felt helpless, because even though I could rationalize within my mind that nobody wanted to hurt me, they just wanted my stuff, my psyche could not wrap itself all the way around that.

As I sit here tonight, after spending the night here last night, I can feel the peace of God rushing back through my body. The truth is that I find my peace in him and that's why I'm going to be ok. He holds me right now. I'm not alone in my house. He's right here with me, and so is his peace. He covers me with his love. He wraps me in light. It's a light that darkness cannot penetrate. It's a light that will make the night appear to be day.

I love my house, and it will take a little bit of time for my mind to catch up with all of this, but my soul knows that I am safe in the arms of my everlasting love.

Sometimes God Whispers

‎"Sometimes God whispers and you feel it in your soul. He doesn't have to shake the earth or make a miracle to let you know He's here. Oh He's everywhere. Just Listen."


It's not always this thunderous shaking. Most of the time for me it is in that still small voice that I find the most peace and comfort in the arms of love. Sometimes driving down the road in the fall I see that the leaves are beginning to fall to the ground and I know that another season is being brought in. I stand amazed and realize that it's not contrary to the way my father is in control of my life. Through every season He knows which leaves to let fall, which flowers to let bloom, which crops must be harvested, and what days must be bitterly cold. I've entrusted my life into the hands of a greater power, because I know that I will never be strong enough on my own, and there are days when I stop to listen that I can see that wondrous power in everything around me. When I choose to listen I'm much better off. :) 


My relationship with Jesus shapes my view of the world. There is a great lesson in that, because when I allow the world to shape my view of Jesus instead, I become lost. Searching for something that will never be found. But when I stand still and allow his love to be my glasses, I can see things the way that he sees it. With life. With passion. With potential.


"I knew it then, I know it now. There is nothing too insignificant." 

You take me as I am

I'm slow to trust but I'm quick to love
I push too hard and I give too much
I ain't saying I'm perfect, but I promise I'm worth it




If you want it
Come and get it
If you want it, come and get it but understand
You take me as I am






Sometimes at the moments of my deepest frustration a song is hurled at me. The lyrics are always relevant and always ease the situation. 


The truth is...........I can't change myself for you. 


I'm stubborn (Which means that I'm determined) 
I think too much  (Which means I often need time to think)
I can compromise, but not on the BIG stuff. 
And when it's all said and done, I'm not sure that you can handle that. 




So here I go letting go, AGAIN. 

Teaching School

Oh my gosh! I'm beginning the second week and I could honestly not ask for a better place to be working. There are so many resources, and so many encouraging people to learn from. The first few days were organized chaos, but today I could tell that they are really starting to get into the groove of what we do. They are beginning to be more self directed and that is the thing that drove me crazy last week; that I had to tell 20 little people to make every move, but I do understand that that is a part of being four and in a brand new classroom. They have learned where most things belong and are doing a really fabulous job of helping me keep our room in order. I have begun to make some wonderful connections with some of my parents and I am so excited about the community that is being built. I feel so very blessed to be where I am, and to be doing what I am doing. I do miss my second graders, but I am finding many things that I love about 4ness, too. I love to watch them play, and to see the foundation being laid for the learning that is going to occur for the rest of their lives. They are amazing people, with loads to say, and I love to watch and listen.

Reflection. Who knew?

A couple of years ago I met some new people. I remember walking into a room and not knowing a single name or face that I was in the room with. The teacher came in, greeted us, told us a little bit about herself, and we moved into some activities that she had planed for us. The very first one was everyone cutting a piece of yarn of any length and then we ended up having to wrap that yarn around our finger while telling about ourselves until we ran out of yarn. Another activity that we did allowed us to find commonalties within the people in the room. We formed different groups based on those commonalities, and that was when the ice began to break between myself and my peers. From that point forward friendships began to blossom. While it was a slow start for us all really becoming personal with each other, and we had to have a few nudges to make some connections, we did eventually connect. We began to become a family. We cared about each other. We shared, laughed, cried, and became one of the most amazing support systems for each other that I have ever been a part of. When it all came down to it, we were there for each other.

When I look at that experience from this end of it, I feel so blessed to have been a part of that family and to know that just because we're all in our different places doing our different things doesn't mean that we are not still a family. We are. And I know that we will never be strangers again.

Who do I give credit to?
First of all I credit the orchestrator of all, and that is God my creator, for bringing these people together at the perfect moment in time.
Second of all, I give credit to a woman that knew what we needed when we needed it. She started off as someone that I really feared and didn't quite know what to do with and ended that program of study being someone that I know I can call on for the rest of my life and she may not know the answer, but will most certainly know the question to ask to help me get to my answer.

As I move into my first day of school with my very own set of students I know that they will be coming together feeling much like I did on that very first day, and I pray that I can give them exactly what they need when they need it. I hope that they form lasting friendships and make meaningful connections in all areas of their four year old lives. I hope more than anything that when they leave me that they know that I love them and expect phenomenal things from them in the future. I pray that no matter where they end up that they can feel in their soul, Ms. Michelle cared about me and she wants me to succeed, because I can honestly say that   impression left upon me by a few very special teachers in my life, along with the knowledge that my family feels that same way, has been a light on some pretty dark days.

God grant me the strength to be the teacher that all 20 of these children need.
May I ask good questions.
May I be quiet when needed.
May I hold them when they need to be held and pick them up and send them on their way when it is for the best.
May I have the strength to love them as hard as I can all the while knowing that they only have a short time with me before they'll move forward.
May I be a true reflection of God's love that follows them all of their days.

"Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control"

(Somewhere between my heart and my hands

Somewhere between my faith and my plans

Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar

Somewhere between the altar and the door

Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more

Somewhere in the middle You'll find me)

I don't want to be in the middle. Spiritually I can't afford to be in the middle. 

The peace of this love has followed me all of the days of my life and while I've sometimes tried to forget that, or put it on the back burner, it's most important. 

For me it's not a religion and it's far more than just a belief system. For me it's a relationship with the deity that formed me with His hands and breathed life into my body. It's about feeling him in everything that's around me, and being caught in the middle is not where I want to be. Being caught in the middle holds me back. 

I have deep water faith, but I've been sitting in the shallow end. I have gifts that I'm not using, Things that I'm withholding. It boils down to fear. It always does for me, but I'm tired of allowing this fear of rejection to hold me back from what I'm capable of.  

Which brings me to these beautiful lyrics written by an Atlanta native, Mark Hall. 

"Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control"

Our minds are the brunt of the battle

Some days are just hard. It's part of life, but the way I see it, one has two choices on those days, they can choose to feel sorry for themselves, or they can look at how blessed they are.

I am blessed with.......................

• A beautiful support system of family and friends
• Many children that look at me like I am Superwoman
•  A Job (One that I love most days) 
• A sense of who I am and where I'm going. 
• A savior that shows me unconditional love everyday that I live

I had the blues because I had no shoes until upon the street, I met a man who had no feet.  ~Ancient Persian Saying


It is very easy to look at what's NOT there, or what's falling apart. The challenge in life is to look at what IS there and to hold onto it for dear life; to know that you're being held, and that there is a love that will never let you go.

Our minds are the brunt of the battle.

What to do when the piece doesn't fit

Sometimes the pieces just don't fit and forcing them only causes problems. It's just like those cardboard puzzles.oh yeah, you can force the piece, but it's going to mess the piece up, not to mention what it's going to do to the picture as a whole. If it doesn't fit, it doesn't fit. If it's not right, it's just not right, and forcing it will only cause the picture to be off. 

It's metaphorical. I'm well aware, and I'm certain that I'm not the first to think of it. 

But,

For the past few months there has been a piece that doesn't fit. I've turned it every way possible and examined it from every angle that there is, but it was not meant to fit. Granted, I think there is a reason that it's a part of my puzzle, but it just doesn't fit in the spot that I was trying to place it in. 

I've put the piece where it goes and I don't intend to remove it (God help me) 

Now I can begin to focus on the next piece for a while. 

Life= A Puzzle, and when the piece doesn't fit, it doesn't fit. 

Promised Moments

Truth is, there's no such thing. We're not even promised the next breath. We have no control over it. Today is what there is. This very breath is what there is and if you look at life through the eyes of "what there is" you will soon know that everything is precious. 

While there has to be some thought process about what tomorrow brings, and we in some cases have to make certain preparations, being ok with the moment that we're living in is one of the biggest favors that we could ever do for ourselves; excepting what's in our life for exactly what it is.  Just think of all the worrying that we would prevent.

 There is an art to allowing life to flow. Some never figure it out, and I can't say that I have 100% of it down, but I can tell you that I appreciate right now. I appreciate who I am. I love the people within my life and I acknowledge the fact that I don't have it all figured out. I'm ok with it. I'm not perfect. I'm not even close, but I'm not afraid to think for right now and not be so wrapped up in tomorrow that I can't live for today. 

Yes. It's true. I'm not a door locker.

Why this surprises some people I don't really know. I've never been that much of a door locker. I attribute it to that fact that I grew up with my father checking the lock at least 6 times, which I now know is a little OCD, but I just don't see all the need in it.

If someone wants in, they're coming in. That lock is not going to be preventing that much. I know that there are people in the world that do horrible things, but I guess I just don't think about it that much.

I'll try to be more "grown-up" about it, but I honestly think that many of our fears are self created ones.

My car does not have automatic locks and I never lock it. WHY? Well because if someone wants what's inside they're just going to break my window to get it. IDK........maybe I'm crazy, but it just makes sense to me. I imagine when I have a car with the great clicker I will then lock the doors, just because it's more convenient.

Maybe this is significant of some aspects of my life, I don't really know and my brain is not in the mode to evaluate it right now. All I know is that locking doors is way overrated.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."

Last night as I prepared to try to go to sleep I read for a little while like I normally do and the day had not been entirely stressful or any of that, but I had received several phone calls and texts from several people in my life that are going through some things. While none of these problems are mine,(though I have a wealth of my own) I believe strongly in the verse of scripture in Galatians 6:2 that says, “Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.”

As I began to pray about some of the things that these people are facing, asking God to give them peace, I was reminded of just how perfect love can be. Not only did God send his perfect example of love, he also gave us this scripture to guide our understanding of what it is. Some of my loved ones are facing difficult times finding jobs, with relationships, with self fulfillment. With LOVE, and I am in no way excluded from any of these, and as I allowed the Holy Spirit it began to reveal to me that the answer is still LOVE and the definition of it.

It's patient

kind

protecting

trusting

hopeful

preserving

and it never, ever fails.

 So in that moment I prayed that that love embrace them the same way that I have felt it embrace me so many times before.

 

My Nana is Remarrying Tomorrow.

Well, most of the family has almost made it into town and I'm just sitting here thinking about what's going to take place tomorrow. Truth be known, I'm a little nervous. I don't really know why, just not sure of the emotions that will come tomorrow and therefore I'm a little anxious about it all.I'm very happy for my grandmother. Her whole life has been about her children and her husband and she deserves to make this decision absolutely for herself. She doesn't want to be alone and there is a man that she loves and he loves her, and they should be married if that's what they want.I'm happy for her. My whole family does not share in that excitement and it is causing some tension, but my prayer is that they come to understand it and love it for what it is.I understand it. I can see the sheer joy that comes across her when he calls, or when she's telling me about him, and that's just enough for me. For four years she had lost her identity and she was no longer the Nana that I had grown up with. She hurt, constantly, and it was most certainly a part of the grieving process of losing the love of her life, but over the last few months I have watched as she has been able to breathe again. She's enjoying life again. Days are good now, and though she will always love and miss my grandfather, he is not here right now, and there is another to be loved and to love her. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is the way that my beautiful grandfather would want it to be, and I hope that I can feel his presence there tomorrow as I often have, and maybe the ones in my family that aren't on the same page will feel it wherever they are and be able to let go of the pain of the loss and just show love to the ones we have right here in flesh with us.

The Value Of Working Together

Today the kids created some ocean life murals which struck up some pretty great discussion about the current oil spill and other ocean things.  It was pretty much a time for the kids to freely create whatever they wanted as well as socialize about what they were doing. They were in groups of about 5 or 6 working together. It started off just a little rocky, but by the end of the hour, they had it down. They worked through their minor differences and helped each other when help was needed. They completed the task and had some pretty amazing pieces of art work to show off!

I took the time to think about what I was watching in reference to the recent oil spill in the Gulf. I can't help but wonder how much more of the environment could be saved if people decided to work together instead of lay blame or turn this into some sort of political issue. It's really not a political issue; it's an issue of the heart. Animals are losing their lives and miles of shoreline are being destroyed. This doesn’t even scratch the surface of what will be happening in the long run, because of the pollution. It's way beyond a political issue if you ask me.

Yep. These children are eight and nine years old, but they can understand the value of working together for a purpose. Yes. Of course they’re all different and have their different opinions, but they reach agreements and then they support each other. Granted, it's taken them a few weeks to work out the kinks, but now that they have, I am seeing some amazing things from them.

So,

Maybe as Americans we will eventually work out the kinks and come to realize that no matter what happens, or what side we stand on, we're all just the same. Our heart pushes blood through all of our arteries and veins, and somehow all of our organs function together to keep us living. (So glad THAT SYSTEM knows the value of working together)

When I think about my daddy

When I think about my daddy...........
I think about being 6 years old and him standing beside me harmonizing with me singing "Oh How I Love Jesus."
I think about him leaving the training wheels on my bicycle because I insisted, even though he says that they were broken and so they were not even really touching the ground anymore.
I think about the time that I was about 9 or 10 and I stepped on some glass because I never wore shoes and he got it out with me screaming like I was dying.
I think about the tears that I saw in his eyes after my first marching band performance.
I think about the way he looked at me just a few months ago and told me how very proud of me he is.
I think about leading praise and worship twice a week with him. (Music is our special language)
BUT MOST OF ALL
I think about the love that he has sown into me over the years and I am overwhelmed with the greatest sense of just how absolutely blessed I am to have him in my life.

On My Own

I've lived on my own for the past year, but I've had a roommate for most of that time. What have I discovered? I've discovered that I like my family so much more now that I don't live under the same roof with them. I've discovered that my parents have always been my friends. I recently learned through something that my little brother wrote that I am the person that he most aspires to be like. Who knew? I thought we passionately disagreed on everything in the world. It caused a shift in our relationship, for sure. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that when you're not living under the same roof with these people, they become so much, well, cooler. :) I've left out my older brother, we're still best friends.

I guess more than anything what moving out of my house has taught me is how incredibly blessed I truly am. I feel that blessing way more now because there is no "I need to stretch my legs" tension like there was before.

In a few short weeks I'll be moving into a house. Just me. And I'm very excited. I'm excited because it was my financial decision, and because in just a few short months I will know just how capable I am of making things work for myself. Stability is important to me. Financial stability along with many other stabilities. Knowing that I can have that stability on my own, that's key.

SO, Yes. I graduated from college, but I'm not getting married and starting a family, I'm on my own. And I'm just enough for right now. Yes I want to be married and have children someday, but that's not in my cards right now, and I'll wait. While I wait, I'll grow, I'll learn and most of all I'll have fun. I'll live life. I'll pay attention to the people in it. I'll listen and share. I'll dream, read, write, teach, speak, and love hard.


That's pretty exciting if you ask me!

There Is Never A Loss In Love

The more I grow the easier it is becoming for me to see that things fit. Life happens the way that it does for a particular reason. To teach us,to fill us, to challenge us, and to change us. Physical Seasons don't leave the environment unchanged, and neither do the seasons of life and love leave the individual unchanged. Each relationship means something. Whether it be there for a moment, or for a lifetime, there is a purpose. Even if it's a relationship that comes and goes (flows in and then back out of our lives) it's purposeful. There is a reason, and I think the hardest thing for a mind to manage is allowing those relationships to flow freely into and out of our lives. We resist when we should give in and hold on when we should let go. There is nothing wrong with knowing the value of those relationships and knowing that the love that exists between two hearts will never dissipate. It'll never go away, and ignoring it won't help either. I believe that when we give a piece of our heart to someone, we don't truly give it expecting to get it back, and if do, then it's not true.

I want to be the kind of person that can allow those relationships, in all forms, to flow as freely as they are meant to in and out of my life. And I want to be able to understand that the love that is shared is never lost, and that the individual that I am only gains from it all. I don't go for the whole "It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all" because when you truly love, there's never a loss. There is only gain. People may move away, or you "break~up," or die, or a host of other things may occur, but when you've opened your heart wide and loved someone, there is NEVER a loss.

I Live to Live

I've been overwhelmed the last few days with the realization of what the last two years have been for me. I have met some amazing people that will never leave my heart. I have discovered the spark that resides within me and taken hold of all of the elements necessary to allow the flame to come full circle. Most importantly, I have figured out where I fit in this world and I'm not afraid of it.


My heart is so full, and I can't help but let it spill out.



My prayer is that I can always see my life through these eyes, and that no matter what circumstance I am faced with I will always have a deep knowledge of who I am and where I'm going; that I never get lost in the living, but that I live to live. :)

"Ms.Kitchens, I need you"

This past week was a really HARD week for me, teaching. It has a lot to do with this test prep stuff, but then some to do with the fact that I'm a full grown teacher and I'm ready to do it on my own. I don't know it all, but my wings need to fly.

By Friday, I was spent. I was DONE. My mind had checked out before I even got to school that day. And it stayed checked out until I heard the words that I hear quite frequently, "Ms. Kitchens, I need you." Do they always need me when they say this? No. More than half of the time they don't need me at all, but there is just something about those words and knowing that in some ways, they do need me just as much as I need them. That makes even the hardest days enjoyable, worth while, and purposeful.

:)

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

I can remember being in the eleventh grade and my English teacher reading me this quote for the first time. I remember how intrigued by the discovery or realization that the past as well as the future were no match for what was existing within me at that very moment. I heard someone say something tonight that made me stop and think just as hard as this quote made me think 6 years ago. She said, "If you believe in what you're speaking and standing for, so will others. Your sheer conviction will play the biggest roll in you convincing them that you know what you’re talking about, no matter how young you are"

I think this is profound. I think it's real. And I think I love it. :)

When Feeling Successful and Being Successful Meet

The week of March 1st was an amazing week for me. I taught all week long, which was not much different from the previous week, but something inside of me was definitely more aligned. I taught with all of my heart. I poured myself into what I was teaching and I allowed my students to DO in order to gain understanding~exactly what learning is meant to be. I focused on bringing out the authors in them in order to teach them "Author's purpose" They made commercials. They did research. They asked questions. They explored. They learned, and they proved that yesterday when they were tested. They did amazing! When the day was over and I thought about what had happened in that classroom all week long, I was extremely proud of my students and myself.

The greatest feeling of "I was created to do this" has emerged over the last few months and I can't imagine my life any different than the way that it is. I am so in love with what I do on a daily basis. I'm in love with the aspect of figuring it out, in love with the challenges, in love with the reciprocal relationship.

My flame is burning brightly for my students in hopes that they will be fully ignited, and seeing that ignition take place refuels me. Watching them learn and their eyes light up when they realize that they can do it, that they understand it, that's all the fuel I need. It's that simple.

My students are truly my fuel to do what I do, and the beauty of that relationship is one of the most powerful things that I have ever known.

Reaffirming Days

Some days are just so amazing that it's hard to feel anything but pure delight.

As I was leaving school today, turning off the lights, locking the door I reflected on what had occurred in that room throughout the day. I thought about the connections that had been made, the creativity that I had seen flourish, the love that had been shown, and all of the wonderful things that had happened. Of course there had been what I like to call "momentary mayhem," but for the most part, we all learned today, we were engaged and we were excited.

Today I have the greatest feeling of belonging. I belong to a profession. I belong to a love. I belong in a classroom.

I'm a teacher. I'm an advocate, and I know how to do whatever it takes to get my students what they need. I know how my growth and commitment to being a life long learner directly impacts how I teach them and how well I teach them.

I love being a teacher, and I thank God everyday that I get to wake up and belong.

I've spent many days in prayer, very particular prayer, for my future Job situation. I've prayed for God to release me from Milledgeville and to allow me to enlarge my territory and move into another area. I've shifted my mind back and forth in many different directions, because my soul goal is to be used by him, and with that soul goal in mind I've asked myself if this area is the area that I am meant to reach. I've begged God to let me go, to let me leave, but he won't. I'll admit that for a few days it has upset me, because the odds are not that great if I only apply in a small area, but God won't let me go. My children's ministry and all of the other ministries that I'm involved in right here, are not done yet, they're not at a transition point either. I don't know that this will always be it, but I do know that for now I am exactly where God wants me and that he is going to provide accordingly.

As I listened to a friend tell a story of a child that she knew that had been taken from her mother because she had been using her to traffic drugs, God confirmed in my soul that for this moment my mission field is right here. Right here.......right outside of my door. Within my reach there are people that need someone to be there for them. There are children that need a teacher that loves them and that will tell them everyday how capable they are of achieving their goals, even when everything else around them is telling them that they are noting more than mediocre. There are mothers with husbands that abuse them and their children that need a friend to lean on, someone to tell them that they are worth more. There are broken, thirsty people right outside of my door.

This small town settles for mediocrity. We've settled for just getting by, and I want to change that. I want to inspire children, and any one else in my life, to reach high, to dig deep and to not settle. I want them to always,constantly push for more and to never be happy with someone else' answer, but to seek out their own, because that is where true discovery occurs.

I know in my soul that I am being used here and I am so excited about the things that are to come.


"Take my life, and let it be consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
Take my moments and my days; let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands, and let them move at the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet, and let them be swift and beautiful for Thee."
(Fran­ces R. Ha­ver­gal,)


I have a flame. I know what fuels it. And I'm ready to use it.

"Touchdown Moment"

I taught my children's church this morning about unity, or they taught me rather, as usual. We talked about a story in the bible "The tower of Babel." They were very intrigued with the whole thing and I love being their teacher when they get that look of intrigue on their faces.

To make a long story short these children explored this bible story through a skit. The skits always seem to draw more attention than I can, so we do them every week.
When we get to the end I always allow them to retell it to me, because I want to see what they have drawn from it and then I ask questions. The question that I asked today that I loved their answer to was, "Why would God have made all of these people speak these different languages? What was his purpose?" The response overwhelmed me, "Because Ms.Michelle, they were working together and God had to do something, because it's just like when we work together good things always happen"

I didn't tell them that, they told me, and that made the entirety of what I sought to deliver to them that much more personal. They truly posses that childlike faith that the bible talks about and I am so blessed to be given the opportunity to submerse myself in their presence on almost a daily basis.

It was a "touchdown" moment...............I feel the power of these often, and they make anything else that might be brewing in my life seem so insignificant. They make the world stop. They make my heart race, and I can feel the sheer power of God's presence within the room that I'm occupying.

There is just something about learning that takes my breath away.

Be still and know

"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10


If I can just be still and let go.........................If I can just shut up and let God, he's going to make paths where I think there is no way.

The last couple of weeks God has been trying to tell me. He's trying to tell me that if I'll be still, he'll be God, and that will be more than enough to break any barrier that holds me back.

It's so simple, but so hard to do, and I have to pray everyday for God to help me to loosen my grip so that he can tighten his.

And I know that it'll be in that surrender that I'll be found in the center of God's perfect will for my life.

If I can just be still.

The Parting of My Sea

"A Living Prayer"

In this world I walk alone with no place to call my home
But there's One who holds my hand
The rugged road through barren lands
The way is dark, the road is steep
But He's become my eyes to see
The strength to climb, my griefs to bear
This Savior lives inside me there

In Your love I find release
A haven from my unbelief
Take my life and let me be
A living prayer my God to thee

In these trials of life I find
Another Voice inside my mind
He comforts me and bids me live
Inside the love the Father gives

In your love I find release
A haven from my unbelief
Take my life and let me be
A living prayer my God to thee
take my life and let me be
A living prayer my God to thee

~Ron Block~


For whatever reason, I've needed something to sing me to sleep the last few nights. I don't really have an explanation, other than everything in my life is changing. I'm on new ground and quickly moving to even newer ground, and I am very excited. I'm finding that with that excitement comes fear, fear that can only be covered with a deep, and growing even deeper, trust, in a love that has never let me go. Comfort.Release.Security.Safety. I find it all there, there inside of that love.

I have the strength to know that my God is in control, and no matter what sea needs to be parted for his child to make it to the "Promised Land," she WILL make it there. :)(hopefully without wondering in the desert for 40 years, but then again maybe that was all a part of their process. If I'm remembering right it was because of their unbelief that they wandered. Hmmmm that's a message in itself)

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
Isaiah 40:31

Dirty Blonde

I woke up this morning as usual and went through all the normal motions. As I came to the portion of my morning that pertained to drying my hair, which by the way, takes a good 45 minutes, I discovered that there was a single strand that appeared off kilter. As I examined it more closely I realized that it appeared to be taking on the color that is sometimes referred to as gray.

I thought for a moment................................
What should I do?
I'm not ready for this.
I am only 22.
And I won't stand for it.

So, without another conscious thought, I pulled it out.

As I examined it, I came to realize (tell myself) that it was just extremely blonde; bleached from the cruise I just went on, but somehow part of me was still in disbelief.........

So, I Googled. (yep, I just used that word as a verb.)

Found this first
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/02/090223131123.htm

While I was pleased to find that significant research had been done, my "I'm getting wiser" theory was busted. (DARN)

Next place
http://www.skinsheen.com/article-how-to-prevent-gray-hair-naturally-235.aspx

And this one just freaked me out. (Oh God, now it's my thyroid or vitamin deficiency, or maybe it's menopause(JK-ing on that last one))

At this point I had to make a rationalization, and I had to make it fast. I decided that the hair that I had removed was simply, bleach blonde. That's all there was to it. No Gray. No thyroid issues. NOTHING.

So, until my own further research is done, I'm still, fully, a dirty blonde.

(Dear lord,
I think life may have been easier before the internet was here for research, before I could see, so easily, all of the things that "might" be wrong with me)

And for anyone that reads this, I am not a hypochondriac.