When I begin to think over the past few months about being a teacher, I realize just how vital "thinking" has been. For whatever reason I'm not the kind of person that can just do something in life. I have to think about it.
I want to be connected to the people around me. I want to live each day and go to bed each and every night knowing that I have given all that I can give and received all that I was supposed to receive.
Seeing the first set of children that I taught and sending them into kindergarten/ teaching another group for the first half of the school year, has really taught me some things about myself.
1. I am not typical.
2. I wish to educate differently and support parents as I do so.
3. Teaching a child is most effective and nourishing for the child when there is a partnership between a teacher and parents, when the two agree to be on the same page.
4. I teach individuals.
5. It's harder to teach the way that I know I was born to when there are 22 children in my classroom, but it can and will be done.
6. I want to be the facilitator for a school someday...................................
I want to facilitate and environment where parents truly do wish to see their individual child thrive and are willing to support that education not only financially, but with their presence. I think it could be the grounds of "coming together." A place where parents can be involved in the community of helping to teach their child. When parents leave to go to work everyday, I want them to feel as though they have left their child with members of their family, and know that their children are discovering their passions all day long.
I want the children to know how completely special they are and how what they bring into their school, no one else can. I don't want them to ever represent a number or a test score. I want to know them as Larry the amazing artist, or Kerrie the child that is a whiz with the Leggo's. I want to know them, their families, and their passions.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
A Shift in The Prayer
24 is coming up fast. Someday's I feel younger and someday's I feel older. I've never quite understood this whole age thing. Mama's right! The older I get, the more I realize just how little I really do know.
Recently I've spent focused time in prayer for a mate, someone to grow old with. I've prayed, "God send the perfect one," and "So! What are you waiting for?" I've asked God over and over again what he's doing, and even taken matters into my own hands a few times and tried to force things that truly I knew couldn't be the right things for me. I don't regret anything, because everything has brought me right to the place that I am now.
Where are you right now, Michelle?
I've come to a place where I can no longer afford to "take matters into my own hands". When the seeking of ANY relationship becomes more of a priority than my relationship with the almighty, I am no longer in balance, and I am no longer the vessel of full use that I was created to be.
Here's the ticket:
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I will diligently seek the master's plan. I don't want to ever pray selfish prayers, but always move forward in life living only to glorify God's kingdom.
This life is a vapor and by no means what it's all about. This body is fragile and will be quite empty at the moment my spirit passes from it. The only legacy that will matter will be the legacy of God's love, the same legacy that continues to be passed through my family from generation to generation.
So, I ask myself these questions, and challenge you to do the same:
Where's your focus? What matters from an eternity standpoint? What doesn't matter? Is your energy poured into reflecting the love of Christ and depending on him to have all of the answers? Because He truly does. He created our brains that ask the questions, surly he knows the answers.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Discernment
It's hard to navigate some situations in life. We go along doing what we perceive to be right to the best of our abilities. A lot of times we go at it from a human perspective, because after all, we are only human.
It's often hard to work within God's plan when we snatch the keys out of His hand. It's our free will. It's what He's given us. We sometimes choose to go about handling a situation with our very own set of rules and our very own way of right. I don't know about you, but that often gets me into trouble. When I pretend not to know that there is a divine hand at work in everything that I am, I tend to lose sight of where the true "win marker" is.
My true "win marker" is for God's love to be personified through every interaction that I have. I am fully certain that my purpose within this world is to share His love with every person that I come in contact with.
Sometimes the way that love should be shared is hard to determine. Sometimes when I look at situations with my carnal mind, it's hard to discern what God's best display would be. Through prayer, and through spending time in His word I know that He will supply understanding of every situation that I find myself within.
It's easy to get lost...........................................
In a moment in time when new age philosophy is in everything around us, it's easy to place too much trust in things that have no solid ground work. You see, lot's of people like to say, "The answer is inside of you." While it sounds really noble, I don't believe it. That sounds great, and perhaps from the standpoint of a Savior living within us, that would make sense, but from the world's definition of that statement, I'm not in agreement. I've searched within "myself" to figure things out and let me just tell you, I don't have it. It's not here. Myself is fresh out of answers.
Take this:
It's often hard to work within God's plan when we snatch the keys out of His hand. It's our free will. It's what He's given us. We sometimes choose to go about handling a situation with our very own set of rules and our very own way of right. I don't know about you, but that often gets me into trouble. When I pretend not to know that there is a divine hand at work in everything that I am, I tend to lose sight of where the true "win marker" is.
My true "win marker" is for God's love to be personified through every interaction that I have. I am fully certain that my purpose within this world is to share His love with every person that I come in contact with.
Sometimes the way that love should be shared is hard to determine. Sometimes when I look at situations with my carnal mind, it's hard to discern what God's best display would be. Through prayer, and through spending time in His word I know that He will supply understanding of every situation that I find myself within.
It's easy to get lost...........................................
In a moment in time when new age philosophy is in everything around us, it's easy to place too much trust in things that have no solid ground work. You see, lot's of people like to say, "The answer is inside of you." While it sounds really noble, I don't believe it. That sounds great, and perhaps from the standpoint of a Savior living within us, that would make sense, but from the world's definition of that statement, I'm not in agreement. I've searched within "myself" to figure things out and let me just tell you, I don't have it. It's not here. Myself is fresh out of answers.
Take this:
Colossians 2:8 ESV
See to it that no one takes you captive by philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition, according to the elemental spirits of the world, and not according to Christ.
As Christians, our discernment has to come through Christ Jesus, because after all, He is the author of every story that our lives will ever tell.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
I'd Rather Have Jesus
- I’d rather have Jesus than silver or gold;
I’d rather be His than have riches untold;
I’d rather have Jesus than houses or lands;
I’d rather be led by His nail-pierced hand - Than to be the king of a vast domain
And be held in sin’s dread sway;
I’d rather have Jesus than anything
This world affords today.
- Than to be the king of a vast domain
- I’d rather have Jesus than men’s applause;
I’d rather be faithful to His dear cause;
I’d rather have Jesus than worldwide fame;
I’d rather be true to His holy name - He’s fairer than lilies of rarest bloom;
He’s sweeter than honey from out the comb;
He’s all that my hungering spirit needs;
I’d rather have Jesus and let Him lead
My heart's cry. I feel like I could have written this song.I've come into such a new understanding of just how much Jesus means in my life; how vital to my existence and success my relationship truly is. Yes. It's true that it's the answer that my parents always gave me, but it turns out that it was a pretty good answer. Trust me. I've searched, and time and time again I come back around to the same feeling of needing to fall into his arms and submit my insufficient-ness. There's no other that supplies what I need, and the acknowledging of the fact that I do need, is something that hasn't come easy for me. It's ok to need. It's ok to need other people, and it is most certainly ok to need a relationship with an entity that poured out His life for me.
I will be true. I am a vessel. God has imparted me with so much ability to administer love. He has put so much love into my life so that I can share it with others. I have a strong family. I have a family that prays in agreement. I have a family that extends beyond blood to include many other willing vessels. We are known for our faith that binds us together in the hardest of circumstances, and it is my renewed opinion that no matter how crazy you think I may be, it's as vital to me as oxygen.
This world affords today.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Never Settle for The Path of Least Resistance
My second year of teaching has kicked into high gear. I'm moving into week three and I'm loving it more than ever.
This past week I've uncovered some things about myself. It's really almost too much to put on paper, even digital paper.
So when I graduated from college I had this huge metaphor that I used for the "exit" process called capstone. I constructed it over a period of time using the things that I had learned to guide the delivery. I was very attached to it. It felt just right. It was basically very much reflective of my blog's title, "From the Spark to the Flame." I ever so carefully thought about my student teaching experience and I compared what I had learned to the elements a flame needs in order to burn efficiently. In case you're not aware, fuel, oxygen, and heat are what it takes. I had come to an understanding of all of that. I knew what the elements were and I knew that I was going to be able to maintain my flame.
For the longest time when I started out I was very focused on the way in which I taught my kids. I made a special point to always allow freedom within the classroom. I wanted them to be able to rationalize. I wanted them to know why they were doing the things that they were doing. I fought forcing compliance. My class looked very different than some. I am certain that at times it looked "out of control." And you know what? Maybe it was out of my control. I deeply believe that children should be the owners of their learning. Adults get in the way too much. We force our ideas of "right." We do this in hopes of creating a social norm.
Through all of this I wondered if I was doing the right thing. I wondered how the system would respond to these children who were coming out of my classroom thinking freely. These children had spent 10 months with me and I had done everything that I could to cultivate creativity in them. Why? Because if they can understand that learning is something that they own, something that flows as freely as they breathe, they would always love it. My goal was for them to love it.
I've watched as my first group have pushed their way into kindergarten. I've heard many stories and checked on quite a few of them. I've conversed with teachers that teach some of them and with school staff that have seen some of them. It seems that there is an ongoing theme. They all miss Pre-K.
Why? That's always my next question. Kindergarten is supposed to be just like all of those books that I read to them to get them ready. As reported to me by many parents.............the books that I read to them are inaccurate. It seems that kindergarten looks nothing like those books at all.
So, over the past couple of weeks I've pondered "compliance." Do I force these babies, and I say babies because they are truly just 4 and 5 years old, to comply to sitting like soldiers and learning in one single way that I find to be appropriate.
My answer is still a resounding no.
There is such a flame living inside of these beings, and if I can't be a catalyst for that to become even brighter, then I don't want to be a teacher. If I can't cultivate creativity and advocate for them to be accepted as free thinkers, then I can't do this job.
I know I look different. I know they look different. But I am more than ok with it.
A friend of mine that teaches kindergarten spoke with me today. She said that she knew which ones were mine without even looking at the paperwork. She said she knew because of how alive they were.
That meant everything to me. That was sheer confirmation in my soul that I had given these children what they needed. All teachers don't appreciate the "alive" factor. Some resist it entirely. I've seen that this week, too. But even though they don't appreciate it, it forces them to ponder what they need to do. Luckily I've formed parent alliances. Luckily the parents of my students were just as knowledgeable about the way that I taught their children as I was. I let them in on as much of the theory as I could. I linked them as much as I could. Why? Because I wanted them to know the foundation of my reasoning.
Most parents agree with me that there is a special light inside of each one of them. Most parents agree with me that unless we as adults continue to allow that to be ok, it will lessen by the year until the elements that the flame needs are dampened entirely.
So I guess at this point my metaphor is a little backwards from before.......because I've seen it in reverse. I can see how the flame can become just a spark in a very short period of time if we're not careful.
And it is disheartening, but I do believe that I have done what is right. I do believe that these children that I've sent forward into the world will birth what they are purposed for. They are conductors of change. I feel that more strongly than any of the opposition.
I am truly blessed that they teach me so much. I am blessed that my interactions with them and with their families provide fulfillment for my life.
I have felt great resistance. But from that resistance has come a peace about my teaching philosophy that will never be shaken to its core again.
I'm a 23 year old female that knows exactly what her purpose is.
This past week I've uncovered some things about myself. It's really almost too much to put on paper, even digital paper.
So when I graduated from college I had this huge metaphor that I used for the "exit" process called capstone. I constructed it over a period of time using the things that I had learned to guide the delivery. I was very attached to it. It felt just right. It was basically very much reflective of my blog's title, "From the Spark to the Flame." I ever so carefully thought about my student teaching experience and I compared what I had learned to the elements a flame needs in order to burn efficiently. In case you're not aware, fuel, oxygen, and heat are what it takes. I had come to an understanding of all of that. I knew what the elements were and I knew that I was going to be able to maintain my flame.
For the longest time when I started out I was very focused on the way in which I taught my kids. I made a special point to always allow freedom within the classroom. I wanted them to be able to rationalize. I wanted them to know why they were doing the things that they were doing. I fought forcing compliance. My class looked very different than some. I am certain that at times it looked "out of control." And you know what? Maybe it was out of my control. I deeply believe that children should be the owners of their learning. Adults get in the way too much. We force our ideas of "right." We do this in hopes of creating a social norm.
Through all of this I wondered if I was doing the right thing. I wondered how the system would respond to these children who were coming out of my classroom thinking freely. These children had spent 10 months with me and I had done everything that I could to cultivate creativity in them. Why? Because if they can understand that learning is something that they own, something that flows as freely as they breathe, they would always love it. My goal was for them to love it.
I've watched as my first group have pushed their way into kindergarten. I've heard many stories and checked on quite a few of them. I've conversed with teachers that teach some of them and with school staff that have seen some of them. It seems that there is an ongoing theme. They all miss Pre-K.
Why? That's always my next question. Kindergarten is supposed to be just like all of those books that I read to them to get them ready. As reported to me by many parents.............the books that I read to them are inaccurate. It seems that kindergarten looks nothing like those books at all.
So, over the past couple of weeks I've pondered "compliance." Do I force these babies, and I say babies because they are truly just 4 and 5 years old, to comply to sitting like soldiers and learning in one single way that I find to be appropriate.
My answer is still a resounding no.
There is such a flame living inside of these beings, and if I can't be a catalyst for that to become even brighter, then I don't want to be a teacher. If I can't cultivate creativity and advocate for them to be accepted as free thinkers, then I can't do this job.
I know I look different. I know they look different. But I am more than ok with it.
A friend of mine that teaches kindergarten spoke with me today. She said that she knew which ones were mine without even looking at the paperwork. She said she knew because of how alive they were.
That meant everything to me. That was sheer confirmation in my soul that I had given these children what they needed. All teachers don't appreciate the "alive" factor. Some resist it entirely. I've seen that this week, too. But even though they don't appreciate it, it forces them to ponder what they need to do. Luckily I've formed parent alliances. Luckily the parents of my students were just as knowledgeable about the way that I taught their children as I was. I let them in on as much of the theory as I could. I linked them as much as I could. Why? Because I wanted them to know the foundation of my reasoning.
Most parents agree with me that there is a special light inside of each one of them. Most parents agree with me that unless we as adults continue to allow that to be ok, it will lessen by the year until the elements that the flame needs are dampened entirely.
So I guess at this point my metaphor is a little backwards from before.......because I've seen it in reverse. I can see how the flame can become just a spark in a very short period of time if we're not careful.
And it is disheartening, but I do believe that I have done what is right. I do believe that these children that I've sent forward into the world will birth what they are purposed for. They are conductors of change. I feel that more strongly than any of the opposition.
I am truly blessed that they teach me so much. I am blessed that my interactions with them and with their families provide fulfillment for my life.
I have felt great resistance. But from that resistance has come a peace about my teaching philosophy that will never be shaken to its core again.
I'm a 23 year old female that knows exactly what her purpose is.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Flaws in The Process
Has anyone ever told you, "Just trust the process"? I've heard this more times that I can count, and with many things I believe that it's an okay theory. Trusting some processes are no doubt, what has to happen. The process of healing for instance. Healing is a natural thing. Healing is a process that I trust.
But, and you knew that was coming, what about those processes that are flawed? What about the systematic processes that we walk through in life? Processes created by other humans. Are we not supposed to question those processes in order to make sure that we're getting where we need to be, or getting what we need out of it.
I question certain things, and whether it's right or wrong, it's what I've come to do. Sometimes it makes me crazy. Sometimes it helps me make discoveries for myself. Often times it helps me to connect with another human that has had a similar thought.
Perhaps seeing the flaws within a process are just my way of processing. Perhaps it is all "Just a process" and I should just trust it.
Yep. Certifiably CRAZY!
But, and you knew that was coming, what about those processes that are flawed? What about the systematic processes that we walk through in life? Processes created by other humans. Are we not supposed to question those processes in order to make sure that we're getting where we need to be, or getting what we need out of it.
I question certain things, and whether it's right or wrong, it's what I've come to do. Sometimes it makes me crazy. Sometimes it helps me make discoveries for myself. Often times it helps me to connect with another human that has had a similar thought.
Perhaps seeing the flaws within a process are just my way of processing. Perhaps it is all "Just a process" and I should just trust it.
Yep. Certifiably CRAZY!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
"I Know It Everyday"
I've witnessed this conversation between a friend and her son many times:
Friend: Guess what?
Son: You love me.
Friend: How did you know that?
Son: I know it everyday.
As some things often strike me, this conversation did. There are things that happen in my life that I feel like are God saying, "Guess what baby? I love you, and I'm going to show you everyday." Everyday there is joy. Everyday there is peace. EVERY DAY there is love in my life. Even on the darkest days there are glimpses of purpose and I know every day that my maker loves me. God let's me know everyday just how powerful his love is. I'm thankful that I can hear Him.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Pure Joy
There is a joy in this little boy's laughter that is purely good for my soul. The way that he loves makes me want to find every bit of animosity within my being and allow that same kind of love to invade. That.......That is God.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Tuesdays With Shawn
What I'm learning about life is that God makes provision for His children. Sometimes that provision comes through individuals. God provided me with strength through this little boy over the past year of my life. There were days when no one in this world was fully aware of what was occurring within my soul and mind, and he didn't "know" either, yet somehow he did.
I remember one day specifically that I went to work with a very heavy heart. Of course I faked it just fine. I went through the motions and no one in the room noticed anything out of the ordinary except for him. He put his arms around me and hugged me with the power of what I now know was a divine intervention of some sort. I literally felt a transfer of energy with that hug. I knew at that moment that everything was going to be just fine.
He's one of the funniest children I've ever met, and watching him think truly fascinates me. He thinks in a capacity that I'm not really that familiar with, which is perhaps why I'm perplexed by it. He's more observant than I am, and he's not quite five years old just yet. His ability to interact with, and to feel his environment never ceases to amaze me. He's quite incredible.
So, Tuesdays are his days. He's not my student anymore. The change is tough to mentally grasp. Though, the reality of it all is that I get to be in his life in a completely more permanent way and I am so excited about that. He has an amazing family that warms my heart whenever I think of them. So in a really huge way, my family is expanding. :)
Saturday, May 7, 2011
A Phenomenal Mother
Dear Mama,
When I think about what I have with you my heart is completely overwhelmed. The love that you have always shown me, Corey, and Ryan has been my place to land on many hard days. Our relationship has shifted through the years, and throughout each phase my need for you has changed, yet you’ve seemed to always know what to give me to help me to be successful. At 23 years old I look back over the years of my life that I can remember, and all of the happy, and sad moments involve you in some way. You’ve been there through all of the joy and all of the pain. You’ve known when to hold me, and when to tell me to get up and brush it off and keep going. You’ve pushed me. You’ve challenged me. You’ve been a teacher, one that is much responsible for my success as one. And because of that, my potential is limitless.
You love me with a love that I’ve never felt from anyone else but God himself, and you make it easy for me to believe in that deity. Along with telling me about Jesus, you’ve shown me. Everyday, you’ve shown me. I’ve looked you in the eye and told you that I hated you, and you’ve stared right back as if to say, “It’s ok, because I love you enough for the both of us.” That’s God’s love. And that’s my mother’s love.
One day I pray that God allows me to sit on your end of it, and I hope that I’m half of the mother that you are, because if I’m one half of that woman, I’ll be a good mother. But you, you’re a phenomenal mother.
I love you as much as I know how, yet I know that you’ll always love me more.
Your baby girl,
Michelle
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Single Bloom
I'm sitting on the swing while my dog runs vigorously in circles around my yard. What does this have to do with anything? Nothing. I just wanted you to have an image of the setting.
Anyway,
So I'm sitting here thinking about work tomorrow, and really I've been thinking about that a lot. With the school year beginning to come to an end I can feel it all winding down in my bones. I've started to ask myself questions about how I think these children will fair in kindergarten. That question all together makes me anxious. This entire year has been a learning experience for me. I've never taught prek before and I've had to figure out exactly what I want that to look like.
My prek classroom is a place where the imagination guides a whole lot of what I do. My children love to tell stories and draw pictures. They love to sing and to dance. They build, create, solve, experiment. They play. My prek classroom is a place of play. It's where they play and it's where I play. It's where they learn, and it's where I learn. It's exactly what I believe it should be.
But, and you knew that word was coming. But, as the year winds down I've started asking myself the question, have I prepared these children for the system? Are they ready to sit in a traditional kindergarten classroom? After pondering this thought over the last few days I've stumbled upon a new portion to my question. Have I prepared these children for the system, or have I done everything that I can to ignite a flame for learning within these individuals? Is their perception of school and of the world a place where anything can be imagined and achieved? And when the second part of that question came, all of my worry subsided.
My worry is gone because I know deep down that I've shown these children how exciting learning is. I know that creativity flows from their fingertips. I know that they are thinkers. I've asked questions and they've found answers. I think they have a wonderful foundation and I am so thankful for the experience of being their teacher.
As I try to stop typing this, I'm looking at a single pink flower that has begun to bloom on a bush not far from where I am sitting, and I can't help but compare it to the stability that I have found in myself this school year. I'm trusting myself more, becoming more confident in being different. I challenge traditional thinking frequently, and I pray that I will always have the strength to know where the kids are that I'm teaching. The strength to find out what helps them learn, and to give them that. And just as that single flower is blooming by itself right now, and being much different from the buds on that bush, I'm thankful that I'm different, because it's the only way that I will ever reach my full potential as a teacher. And hey, hopefully someone will see how much fun I am having and decide to join the club!
Anyway,
So I'm sitting here thinking about work tomorrow, and really I've been thinking about that a lot. With the school year beginning to come to an end I can feel it all winding down in my bones. I've started to ask myself questions about how I think these children will fair in kindergarten. That question all together makes me anxious. This entire year has been a learning experience for me. I've never taught prek before and I've had to figure out exactly what I want that to look like.
My prek classroom is a place where the imagination guides a whole lot of what I do. My children love to tell stories and draw pictures. They love to sing and to dance. They build, create, solve, experiment. They play. My prek classroom is a place of play. It's where they play and it's where I play. It's where they learn, and it's where I learn. It's exactly what I believe it should be.
But, and you knew that word was coming. But, as the year winds down I've started asking myself the question, have I prepared these children for the system? Are they ready to sit in a traditional kindergarten classroom? After pondering this thought over the last few days I've stumbled upon a new portion to my question. Have I prepared these children for the system, or have I done everything that I can to ignite a flame for learning within these individuals? Is their perception of school and of the world a place where anything can be imagined and achieved? And when the second part of that question came, all of my worry subsided.
My worry is gone because I know deep down that I've shown these children how exciting learning is. I know that creativity flows from their fingertips. I know that they are thinkers. I've asked questions and they've found answers. I think they have a wonderful foundation and I am so thankful for the experience of being their teacher.
As I try to stop typing this, I'm looking at a single pink flower that has begun to bloom on a bush not far from where I am sitting, and I can't help but compare it to the stability that I have found in myself this school year. I'm trusting myself more, becoming more confident in being different. I challenge traditional thinking frequently, and I pray that I will always have the strength to know where the kids are that I'm teaching. The strength to find out what helps them learn, and to give them that. And just as that single flower is blooming by itself right now, and being much different from the buds on that bush, I'm thankful that I'm different, because it's the only way that I will ever reach my full potential as a teacher. And hey, hopefully someone will see how much fun I am having and decide to join the club!
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Inches Away!
About 6 months ago I decided that I needed a change. I needed to begin focusing on my physical health. The thing I've discovered in my twenties is that this body is hard to keep in line. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, intellectually......It's hard work. It's hard work to make sure that the person that I wake up to on a daily basis is who I want it to be, and more importantly, who God has designed and destined for it to be. It is hard work to uncover the aspects of life that feel uncomfortable,and put those things at the forefront of my mind and find ways to find comfort with them.
I won't lie and tell you that I don't wish to know what skinny feels like, but I will tell you that the will to be healthy is much more of a drive for why I wish to lose weight than the want to be "skinny."
So, healthy is what I'm striving for, and according to this morning's measurements, I'm a small 8 inches away from having a healthier/lower risk waist line.
The weight is slowly coming off. Slowly is not considered a bad thing in my mind at this point, because everything that I have read, research wise, indicates that slow and steady is much healthier for my body than fast and furious. But, it can be frustrating at times.
On October 15th of 2010 I weighed 31 lbs more than I do today. I guess that could be looked at as a loss, but honestly, it's a major gain.
My workouts have opened up a whole new aspect of me that I didn't really realize existed. I feel like I've always pushed myself intellectually and spiritually, but physically......................I don't even think I've ever focused on that portion of myself until now. And mentally/emotionally.......those seem to be directly affected as well.
When I look in the mirror I still see things that I'm not thrilled about, but I see change. I see things happening, and better than all of that, I FEEL change. I feel that the physical is coming under submission. It feels right. It feels lovely.
I feel like I'm inches away!
Other great news:
I've lost a shoe size!!!
I've given tons of clothes to my best friend that is also doing a phenomenal job.
I've bought new,smaller clothes......and shoes. :)
Clothes fit better/look better
I can run 2.5 miles without dying, and actually enjoy the way it makes me feel..............(HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?)
Flexibility has improved greatly
Exercise seems to be a part of my life now......like a prescribed medication.
My mom, dad, and baby brother have been inspired to help themselves as well. :)
Monday, March 7, 2011
You Move Me
Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. Psalms 91:1
Some days I get all sassy and try to handle it on my on. HA. It never works.
The world's not perfect. Things aren't peachy, but my life is built on the faith in the things that I cannot see. My life is built on FAITH.
At the end of the day, it's all there is. Faith in my God. Faith in the people around me. Faith in the power of this life.
It's what I have, for sure. Some things are uncertain. MANY things are uncertain, but I live in the shelter of the most high.
And
There is great rest in that secret place of the almighty. Thank goodness.
Thank goodness for a grace that runs deeper than I can perceive. Thank goodness for a love that goes beyond anything that I'll ever be able to measure or describe.
Some days I get all sassy and try to handle it on my on. HA. It never works.
The world's not perfect. Things aren't peachy, but my life is built on the faith in the things that I cannot see. My life is built on FAITH.
At the end of the day, it's all there is. Faith in my God. Faith in the people around me. Faith in the power of this life.
It's what I have, for sure. Some things are uncertain. MANY things are uncertain, but I live in the shelter of the most high.
And
There is great rest in that secret place of the almighty. Thank goodness.
Thank goodness for a grace that runs deeper than I can perceive. Thank goodness for a love that goes beyond anything that I'll ever be able to measure or describe.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Senses Engaged
Just think about it............
From the time we are old enough to begin being in this world everything is a sensory experience.We form our likes and our dislikes based off of what we sense.
Skype...............
Skype hinders me. I've never really liked it all that much, but it seems over the last few weeks the dislike has heightened even more. This piece of technology limits me. I can only see and hear..................making my sense of touch, smell, and sometimes taste, very jealous.
What should I do?
Probably write my lesson plans for this week and stop agonizing over something that clearly has no quick solution.
Maybe one day................
Maybe one day I'll be rich just like Bill Gates when I invent a piece of technology that engages more of the 5 senses. I'll call it............................................................Senses Engaged~The Ultimate Video chatting Experience
From the time we are old enough to begin being in this world everything is a sensory experience.We form our likes and our dislikes based off of what we sense.
Skype...............
Skype hinders me. I've never really liked it all that much, but it seems over the last few weeks the dislike has heightened even more. This piece of technology limits me. I can only see and hear..................making my sense of touch, smell, and sometimes taste, very jealous.
What should I do?
Probably write my lesson plans for this week and stop agonizing over something that clearly has no quick solution.
Maybe one day................
Maybe one day I'll be rich just like Bill Gates when I invent a piece of technology that engages more of the 5 senses. I'll call it............................................................Senses Engaged~The Ultimate Video chatting Experience
Sunday, February 6, 2011
See it. Feel it. Let it go.
I am finding that there are so many things in life where I just have to apply this.
See it:
It's so important for me to see it. To notice. Realize that it's there and that there is something to be learned.
Feel it:
Breathing it all in is sometimes hard, because there are some feelings that I don't want to feel. But, there is value in both the hills and the valleys. Feeling it with all of my might is very important.
Let it go:
Letting go is perhaps the most challenging in all situations..............because I don't want to let go of the hilltop, for sure, and the valley has often left such a overwhelming impression that it's hard to ever start back up the hill again.
Conclusion:
I've watched a heart rate register on a heart monitor before, and I truly believe that when I master letting the heartbeats of life rise and fall as easily as a healthy physical heart seems to beat......................I'll be in good shape. A healthy heart never hesitates about going on to the the next beat. It sees, feels, and then lets go. Flawlessly. The way God created it.
WOW.
I'll probably never be as flawless as the human heart, but I can learn to see, feel, and let go more easily.
And.
So.
I continue to learn!
Saturday, January 29, 2011
It's not "Near Death." It's "Near Life"
I've been thinking.......................
And I've been thinking that some of the turbulence that I've experienced over the last few months has really made me recognize how near the death of my "ME" was. And as I began to think in that direction, I focused on the negative within my situation. (Not regretting the thought process, because I had to go there in order to get here.)
Where is here?
My figuring out of where here is, happened today at the gym. I was mid workout on the elliptical and I had the ipod going, but was really lost more in thought than in the music. Title of song: "Near Life Experience"
I glanced at the title and without listening to the song that I'm not that familiar with began to think. I began to wonder if more than anything what I've experienced is a "Near Life" experience. Maybe I wasn't close to dying at all, maybe that's just where I had to be in order to make a few decisions for myself. Perhaps I was much nearer to life than I've been able to see.
What are those decisions that I write of?
And I've been thinking that some of the turbulence that I've experienced over the last few months has really made me recognize how near the death of my "ME" was. And as I began to think in that direction, I focused on the negative within my situation. (Not regretting the thought process, because I had to go there in order to get here.)
Where is here?
My figuring out of where here is, happened today at the gym. I was mid workout on the elliptical and I had the ipod going, but was really lost more in thought than in the music. Title of song: "Near Life Experience"
I glanced at the title and without listening to the song that I'm not that familiar with began to think. I began to wonder if more than anything what I've experienced is a "Near Life" experience. Maybe I wasn't close to dying at all, maybe that's just where I had to be in order to make a few decisions for myself. Perhaps I was much nearer to life than I've been able to see.
What are those decisions that I write of?
- I decided that I didn't need a relationship that didn't glorify every part of who God is creating me to be. (I say creating, because it's an endless process)
- I've decided that I'm enough, and that what I offer is a lot, so therefore I need a lot in return.
- I've decided that I'm strong, because of my weakness.
- I've decided that I want to work on my shell a little bit. (I want to be more in shape. Take care of my body better.)
- I've decided that I can't live any other way but full throttle.
- I've decided that the voice that whispers from way down deep, whispers for a reason, and that by listening to that voice, I'm setting the bar for myself, my very own unborn children, and anyone else in my life that may look to me for inspiration.
And then I listened to some of the lyrics:
"Well maybe I'm blind, just throwing darts in the dark.
I didn't get what I want, I got what I need.
Man it hurts like hell down here on my knees.
Is this where I end, or is this where we begin?"
Near Life Experience (Lifehouse)
This is most definitely where I begin!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Cradled by the Holy Spirit
Lyrics to a popular contemporary Christian song:
"You dance over me, while I am unaware. You sing all around, but I never hear the sound. Lord, I’m amazed by you."
Perhaps we can hear the sound?
Generally, I like to base my thoughts off of something, and tonight's thoughts were brought forth by a really good workout that started with Body Pump and led into Body Flow.
Body flow is perhaps my new favorite thing. Why? Because it quiets my mind. Plain and simple. At the end of every session there is a 15 minute segment of "meditation." I've determined to use this time to benefit my mental state.
Tonight, I decided before hand that I'd allow anything that was causing me anxiety to come forth during this time, and that I'd see it, feel it, and then let it go. So, I did.
And before I knew it I could feel the arms of the Holy Spirit cradling me. I could feel that anxiety being calmed, and then I let it go.
Go with me here:
Lying on the, what I am sure was cold but I had no realization of it, floor, I began to really take hold of the things in my life that I'm unsure and anxious about. All of the things that keep me awake at night.(We all have them.) And as I allowed those to surface, or I saw them, I began to just as quickly as I saw them, let them go. After I had let the very last bit of it run from my mind. I felt light. I saw light, and for that moment I was light. The next thing I felt was cradled and the music seemed to be louder, more intense, sweeter. I felt aware; aware of the spirit of God that dwells among us. I felt Him singing over me................I felt the Holy Spirit's arms wrapped around every part of who I am.
Out of body experience? I don't know about all of that? But, it was certainly a refreshing awareness of just how close I can be to my maker and of how the Holy Spirit wishes to cradle me.
"You dance over me, while I am unaware. You sing all around, but I never hear the sound. Lord, I’m amazed by you."
Perhaps we can hear the sound?
Generally, I like to base my thoughts off of something, and tonight's thoughts were brought forth by a really good workout that started with Body Pump and led into Body Flow.
Body flow is perhaps my new favorite thing. Why? Because it quiets my mind. Plain and simple. At the end of every session there is a 15 minute segment of "meditation." I've determined to use this time to benefit my mental state.
Tonight, I decided before hand that I'd allow anything that was causing me anxiety to come forth during this time, and that I'd see it, feel it, and then let it go. So, I did.
And before I knew it I could feel the arms of the Holy Spirit cradling me. I could feel that anxiety being calmed, and then I let it go.
Go with me here:
Lying on the, what I am sure was cold but I had no realization of it, floor, I began to really take hold of the things in my life that I'm unsure and anxious about. All of the things that keep me awake at night.(We all have them.) And as I allowed those to surface, or I saw them, I began to just as quickly as I saw them, let them go. After I had let the very last bit of it run from my mind. I felt light. I saw light, and for that moment I was light. The next thing I felt was cradled and the music seemed to be louder, more intense, sweeter. I felt aware; aware of the spirit of God that dwells among us. I felt Him singing over me................I felt the Holy Spirit's arms wrapped around every part of who I am.
Out of body experience? I don't know about all of that? But, it was certainly a refreshing awareness of just how close I can be to my maker and of how the Holy Spirit wishes to cradle me.
Monday, January 10, 2011
It's amazing where shoes can lead you to.
Did some purging with this snow day of mine. Started with my shoes. I really work hard at not keeping things that I'm not using. I don't really like clutter all that much, so I went through some shoes to see what could go.................needless to say I was only able to part with 3 pair.......oh well!
The things that the shoes led me to, that's the important part. I spied an old tin box that someone had given me perfume in that I have kept the contents of some of my high school memories concealed in for close to 5 years now. I've opened it since high school, but I've always attached some sort of pain with the lid popping off and was usually never able to read all of the things inside.
Today was different. Today I could read through it with a greater understanding of myself. Today I looked through all of these things with a knowing that everything that happened within that timeline happened to bring me to where I am today. I laughed at myself. I laughed at others. I smiled remembering the place that my spirit was at that time in my life. I smiled because it happened, and because it was over. I smiled because I enjoyed being 15-16-17-18. I was bright eyed, and for the most part I'm still bright eyed.
Things happen. And when those things happen we have to learn from them. Take what's good, purge what's bad, and learn from it. Learn from ourselves.
Today my shoes led to the relazation that I have forgiven, and because of that forgiveness, I have welcomed healing into my heart like never before.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Breakdowns lead to breakthroughs
Valuable words and actions from the sources of strength that God has blessed me with:
"It's ok." ~D~
Holding me the same way he did when I was little and I fell down. ~S~
"EVERYTHING makes you stronger." ~H~
A hug. One of those "I know what your heart is feeling" hugs. ~D~
"I'm here." ~D~
"You will be able to use this to help others." ~D~
"You're allowed to fall apart." ~A~
"There will be a moment when it all makes sense." ~K~
"It could happen to any of us. No one is immune." ~K~
"What a gift to know this at your age!"~ D~
"Don't you know how wonderful you have made my life"~ DK~
"If you're lonely, we'll get you another dog, because that will be much better than a man that doesn't know how lucky he is to have you, or one that doesn't respect you. " ~DK~
"Baby girl, I love you" ~S~
"You can't live on yesterday's faith, so there has to be something that brings you to that next level of understanding" ~S~
"You're enough" ~D~
A good mama hug before facing my day. The ones like I used to get before school everyday. ~DK~
A good mama hug before facing my day. The ones like I used to get before school everyday. ~DK~
"Michelle, I know this is going to sound weird, but you sharing this with me makes me feel better about knowing that I went through what I went trough. You are one of the smartest/driven people that I know, and if this is something that you almost fell into, then I just feel better about the fact that I myself was in a similar position"~A~
"Give it to God" ~S~DK~D~K~H~A
"And let him keep it......" ~D~
As I surround myself with these words that I've written down this week to remind me of how blessed I am, I become overwhelmed by the fact that each of these people are within my life. They are here for me to lean on. God wouldn't have put multiple people on this earth if he expected us to be able to withstand things on our own. He wouldn't have created us with the innate longing to connect with other human beings.
I thank God for the circumstances, because even though I can't completely fathom the purpose yet, I can already feel and see the growth.
And by breaking down, I will breakthrough.
Monday, January 3, 2011
We walk a tightrope
As a women, when it comes to falling in love, I walk a tightrope. It's so easy to lose balance. It's easy to let the glitter distract me. It's easy to compromise my very being, everything I know of "right", in order just to have SOMETHING. The last few months of my life have taught me that SOMETHING, can be dangerous. Something can take you into places that you were never willing to go in the first place. Something is empty, and it hurts. Allowing a man to treat me any other way that well, is just not acceptable. Allowing myself to be in a position where I feel that I'm no longer making choices, but just enduring, that's not ok either. Feeling like it's not something that I can share with the people around me, well, that's a sure sign that SOMETHING, is not where I wish to live.
I've stood at the edge of a cliff. I've looked down, surveyed the jagged rocks and visualized what that was going to feel like. I can tell you now......I'd rather continue to believe in something that may, or may not exist for the rest of my life before jumping off that cliff.
It hurts like hell, but it makes so much sense. Life is crazy like that.
I thank God that I had the energy to get out of the bed this morning, and in time I know that I will gain understanding of the situation.
I've stood at the edge of a cliff. I've looked down, surveyed the jagged rocks and visualized what that was going to feel like. I can tell you now......I'd rather continue to believe in something that may, or may not exist for the rest of my life before jumping off that cliff.
It hurts like hell, but it makes so much sense. Life is crazy like that.
I thank God that I had the energy to get out of the bed this morning, and in time I know that I will gain understanding of the situation.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
"Mama, I can do it."
I can remember telling my mama this. I can remember being very young and telling her that I could do it. Tying my shoes.....I could do it. Open a door. I could do it. Read. I could do it.
My whole life.....I've been saying "I can do it." When I was younger, it wasn't a problem, because those were all things that I needed to do alone, but at this point......... the truth is, that I can't do it alone. I can't do it. I am incapable of any of it alone.
Tonight.......this morning, I am broken. I am broken from the inside out, because I have found myself in a place that I have never imagined visiting. I have been involved in an abusive relationship, one that no one really "knew" about, and it took having the very essence of everything I strive to have as far as a relationship to be greatly challenged, for me to realize that not only did it have to end indefinitely, but that I had to share it. I had to let it out, because I CAN'T DO IT.
And I can truly say that I can't do it.
But I don't remember a time of not knowing a song that goes like this:
Jesus loves me
This I know
For the Bible
Tells me so
Little ones to him belong
for they are weak, but He is strong.
Tonight, I am weak. I am that little one, but my God is strong. And not only is my God strong, but he has placed some pretty amazing people within my life to lean on. I'm not expected to do any of this alone.
I can almost hear my daddy signing this to me right now:
I feel the touch of hands so kind and tender.
They're leading me in the paths that I must trod.
I'll have no fear for Jesus walks beside me
For I'm sheltered in the arms of God.
So let the storm rage high,
The dark clouds rise,
They don't worry me;
For I'm sheltered safe witin the arms of God.
He walks with me,
And naught of earth shall harm me,
For I'm sheltered in the arms of God.
Soon I shall hear the call from heaven's portals
Come home my child,
It's the last mile you must trod
I'll fall asleep
And wake in God's sweet heaven
For I'm sheltered in the arms of God.
So let the storm rage high,
The dark clouds rise,
They don't worry me;
For I'm sheltered safe within the arms of God.
He walks with me,
And naught of earth shall harm me,
For I'm sheltered in the arms of God.
Thank you God for my family. Thank you for my friends, and thank you for loving me enough to send your son as the perfect example of the fact that I don't have to do it alone.
My whole life.....I've been saying "I can do it." When I was younger, it wasn't a problem, because those were all things that I needed to do alone, but at this point......... the truth is, that I can't do it alone. I can't do it. I am incapable of any of it alone.
Tonight.......this morning, I am broken. I am broken from the inside out, because I have found myself in a place that I have never imagined visiting. I have been involved in an abusive relationship, one that no one really "knew" about, and it took having the very essence of everything I strive to have as far as a relationship to be greatly challenged, for me to realize that not only did it have to end indefinitely, but that I had to share it. I had to let it out, because I CAN'T DO IT.
And I can truly say that I can't do it.
But I don't remember a time of not knowing a song that goes like this:
Jesus loves me
This I know
For the Bible
Tells me so
Little ones to him belong
for they are weak, but He is strong.
Tonight, I am weak. I am that little one, but my God is strong. And not only is my God strong, but he has placed some pretty amazing people within my life to lean on. I'm not expected to do any of this alone.
I can almost hear my daddy signing this to me right now:
I feel the touch of hands so kind and tender.
They're leading me in the paths that I must trod.
I'll have no fear for Jesus walks beside me
For I'm sheltered in the arms of God.
So let the storm rage high,
The dark clouds rise,
They don't worry me;
For I'm sheltered safe witin the arms of God.
He walks with me,
And naught of earth shall harm me,
For I'm sheltered in the arms of God.
Soon I shall hear the call from heaven's portals
Come home my child,
It's the last mile you must trod
I'll fall asleep
And wake in God's sweet heaven
For I'm sheltered in the arms of God.
So let the storm rage high,
The dark clouds rise,
They don't worry me;
For I'm sheltered safe within the arms of God.
He walks with me,
And naught of earth shall harm me,
For I'm sheltered in the arms of God.
Thank you God for my family. Thank you for my friends, and thank you for loving me enough to send your son as the perfect example of the fact that I don't have to do it alone.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Good lord it's 2011
Time is of great importance. And using that time to learn all that I can is what 2010 was all about.
Tons of people have set their goals for 2011. Very good. I'm goal oriented, and I have no problem with that. I've set a few of my own.
But, I just need to take a moment to say that 2010 was one of the best years of my life. I discovered things about myself that will carry me the rest of my life.
Thank God!
Tons of people have set their goals for 2011. Very good. I'm goal oriented, and I have no problem with that. I've set a few of my own.
But, I just need to take a moment to say that 2010 was one of the best years of my life. I discovered things about myself that will carry me the rest of my life.
Thank God!
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