It's not "Near Death." It's "Near Life"

I've been thinking.......................
And I've been thinking that some of the turbulence that I've experienced over the last few months has really made me recognize how near the death of my "ME" was. And as I began to think in that direction, I focused on the negative within my situation. (Not regretting the thought process, because I had to go there in order to get here.)

Where is here?
My figuring out of where here is, happened today at the gym. I was mid workout on the elliptical and I had the ipod going, but was really lost more in thought than in the music. Title of song: "Near Life Experience"
I glanced at the title and without listening to the song that I'm not that familiar with began to think. I began to wonder if more than anything what I've experienced is a "Near Life" experience. Maybe I wasn't close to dying at all, maybe that's just where I had to be in order to make a few decisions for myself. Perhaps I was much nearer to life than I've been able to see.


What are those decisions that I write of?

• I decided that I didn't need a relationship that didn't glorify every part of who God is creating me to be. (I say creating, because it's an endless process) 
• I've decided that I'm enough, and that what I offer is a lot, so therefore I need a lot in return. 
• I've decided that I'm strong, because of my weakness. 
• I've decided that I want to work on my shell a little bit. (I want to be more in shape. Take care of my body better.) 
• I've decided that I can't live any other way but full throttle. 
• I've decided that the voice that whispers from way down deep, whispers for a reason, and that by listening to that voice, I'm setting the bar for myself, my very own unborn children, and anyone else in my life that may look to me for inspiration. 

And then I listened to some of the lyrics:

"Well maybe I'm blind, just throwing darts in the dark. 

I didn't get what I want, I got what I need. 

Man it hurts like hell down here on my knees. 

Is this where I end, or is this where we begin?" 

Near Life Experience (Lifehouse) 

This is most definitely where I begin! 

Cradled by the Holy Spirit

Lyrics to a popular contemporary Christian song:
"You dance over me, while I am unaware.  You sing all around, but I never hear the sound.  Lord, I’m amazed by you."


Perhaps we can hear the sound? 


Generally, I like to base my thoughts off of something, and tonight's thoughts were brought forth by a really good workout that started with Body Pump and led into Body Flow. 


Body flow is perhaps my new favorite thing. Why? Because it quiets my mind. Plain and simple. At the end of every session there is a 15 minute segment of "meditation." I've determined to use this time to benefit my mental state. 


Tonight, I decided before hand that I'd allow anything that was causing me anxiety to come forth during this time, and that I'd see it, feel it, and then let it go. So, I did. 


And before I knew it I could feel the arms of the Holy Spirit cradling me. I could feel that anxiety being calmed, and then I let it go. 


Go with me here: 
Lying on the, what I am sure was cold but I had no realization of it, floor, I began to really take hold of the things in my life that I'm unsure and anxious about. All of the things that keep me awake at night.(We all have them.) And as I allowed those to surface, or I saw them, I began to just as quickly as I saw them, let them go. After I had let the very last bit of it run from my mind. I felt light. I saw light, and for that moment I was light. The next thing I felt was cradled and the music seemed to be louder, more intense, sweeter. I felt aware; aware of the spirit of God that dwells among us. I felt Him singing over me................I felt the Holy Spirit's arms wrapped around every part of who I am. 


Out of body experience? I don't know about all of that? But, it was certainly a refreshing awareness of just how close I can be to my maker and of how the Holy Spirit wishes to cradle me. 

It's amazing where shoes can lead you to.

Did some purging with this snow day of mine. Started with my shoes. I really work hard at not keeping things that I'm not using. I don't really like clutter all that much, so I went through some shoes to see what could go.................needless to say I was only able to part with 3 pair.......oh well!

The things that the shoes led me to, that's the important part. I spied an old tin box that someone had given me perfume in that I have kept the contents of some of my high school memories concealed in for close to 5 years now. I've opened it since high school, but I've always attached some sort of pain with the lid popping off and was usually never able to read all of the things inside. 

Today was different. Today I could read through it with a greater understanding of myself. Today I looked through all of these things with a knowing that everything that happened within that timeline happened to bring me to where I am today. I laughed at myself. I laughed at others. I smiled remembering the place that my spirit was at that time in my life. I smiled because it happened, and because it was over. I smiled because I enjoyed being 15-16-17-18. I was bright eyed, and for the most part I'm still bright eyed. 

Things happen. And when those things happen we have to learn from them. Take what's good, purge what's bad, and learn from it. Learn from ourselves. 

Today my shoes led to the relazation that I have forgiven, and because of that forgiveness, I have welcomed healing into my heart like never before. 

Breakdowns lead to breakthroughs

I'm not very good at falling apart. I'd much rather fake it until I make it, but the last week of my life has taught me the value of letting it go; of throwing my hands up in the air and admitting to myself and to the people around me that some things in this life are very unfortunate, but are filled with valuable things that I have to learn about myself.

Valuable words and actions from the sources of strength that God has blessed me with:

"It's ok." ~D~

Holding me the same way he did when I was little and I fell down. ~S~ 

"EVERYTHING makes you stronger." ~H~

A hug. One of those "I know what your heart is feeling" hugs. ~D~

"I'm here." ~D~

"You will be able to use this to help others." ~D~

"You're allowed to fall apart." ~A~

"There will be a moment when it all makes sense." ~K~

"It could happen to any of us. No one is immune." ~K~

"What a gift to know this at your age!"~ D~

"Don't you know how wonderful you have made my life"~ DK~

"If you're lonely, we'll get you another dog, because that will be much better than a man that doesn't know how lucky he is to have you, or one that doesn't respect you. " ~DK~

"Baby girl, I love you" ~S~

"You can't live on yesterday's faith, so there has to be something that brings you to that next level of understanding" ~S~

"You're enough" ~D~
A good mama hug before facing my day. The ones like I used to get before school everyday. ~DK~

"Michelle, I know this is going to sound weird, but you sharing this with me makes me feel better about knowing that I went through what I went trough. You are one of the smartest/driven people that I know, and if this is something that you almost fell into, then I just feel better about the fact that I myself was in a similar position"~A~

"Give it to God" ~S~DK~D~K~H~A

"And let him keep it......" ~D~ 

As I surround myself with these words that I've written down this week to remind me of how blessed I am, I become overwhelmed by the fact that each of these people are within my life. They are here for me to lean on. God wouldn't have put multiple people on this earth if he expected us to be able to withstand things on our own. He wouldn't have created us with the innate longing to connect with other human beings. 

I thank God for the circumstances, because even though I can't completely fathom the purpose yet, I can already feel and see the growth. 

And by breaking down, I will breakthrough. 

We walk a tightrope

As a women, when it comes to falling in love, I walk a tightrope. It's so easy to lose balance. It's easy to let the glitter distract me. It's easy to compromise my very being, everything I know of  "right", in order just to have SOMETHING. The last few months of my life have taught me that SOMETHING, can be dangerous. Something can take you into places that you were never willing to go in the first place. Something is empty, and it hurts. Allowing a man to treat me any other way that well, is just not acceptable. Allowing myself to be in a position where I feel that I'm no longer making choices, but just enduring, that's not ok either. Feeling like it's not something that I can share with the people around me, well, that's a sure sign that SOMETHING, is not where I wish to live.

I've stood at the edge of a cliff. I've looked down, surveyed the jagged rocks and visualized what that was going to feel like. I can tell you now......I'd rather continue to believe in something that may, or may not exist for the rest of my life before jumping off that cliff.

It hurts like hell, but it makes so much sense. Life is crazy like that.

I thank God that I had the energy to get out of the bed this morning, and in time I know that I will gain understanding of the situation.

"Mama, I can do it."

I can remember telling my mama this. I can remember being very young and telling her that I could do it. Tying my shoes.....I could do it. Open a door. I could do it. Read. I could do it.

My whole life.....I've been saying "I can do it." When I was younger, it wasn't a problem, because those were all things that I needed to do alone, but at this point......... the truth is, that I can't do it alone. I can't do it. I am incapable of any of it alone.

Tonight.......this morning, I am broken. I am broken from the inside out, because I have found myself in a place that I have never imagined visiting. I have been involved in an abusive relationship, one that no one really "knew" about, and it took having the very essence of everything I strive to have as far as a relationship to be greatly challenged, for me to realize that not only did it have to end indefinitely, but that I had to share it. I had to let it out, because I CAN'T DO IT.

And I can truly say that I can't do it.

But I don't remember a time of not knowing a song that goes like this:

Jesus loves me
This I know
For the Bible
Tells me so
Little ones to him belong
for they are weak, but He is strong.

Tonight, I am weak. I am that little one, but my God is strong. And not only is my God strong, but he has placed some pretty amazing people within my life to lean on. I'm not expected to do any of this alone.


I can almost hear my daddy signing this to me right now:


I feel the touch of hands so kind and tender.
They're leading me in the paths that I must trod.
I'll have no fear for Jesus walks beside me
For I'm sheltered in the arms of God.

So let the storm rage high,
The dark clouds rise,
They don't worry me;
For I'm sheltered safe witin the arms of God.
He walks with me,
And naught of earth shall harm me,
For I'm sheltered in the arms of God.

Soon I shall hear the call from heaven's portals
Come home my child,
It's the last mile you must trod
I'll fall asleep
And wake in God's sweet heaven
For I'm sheltered in the arms of God.

So let the storm rage high,
The dark clouds rise,
They don't worry me;
For I'm sheltered safe within the arms of God.
He walks with me,
And naught of earth shall harm me,
For I'm sheltered in the arms of God.






Thank you God for my family. Thank you for my friends, and thank you for loving me enough to send your son as the perfect example of the fact that I don't have to do it alone. 

Good lord it's 2011

Time is of great importance. And using that time to learn all that I can is what 2010 was all about.

Tons of people have set their goals for 2011. Very good. I'm goal oriented, and I have no problem with that. I've set a few of my own.

But, I just need to take a moment to say that 2010 was one of the best years of my life. I discovered things about myself that will carry me the rest of my life.


Thank God!