There is nothing more that I could ask for..........................

Christmas Eve for me has always consisted of going to my grandparent's house. We eat dinner and anticipate what morning will bring. When my brothers and I were young we insisted as soon as we were through eating that we had to get home, before Santa came and we weren't asleep. I can remember us driving my daddy crazy, until finally he'd give in, and we'd leave.

As we've grown older we've never lost that excitement about Christmas, but for me the reasons for the excitement have shifted:

Tonight after dinner there were no kids insisting that we make a run for it. There were not tons of presents wrapped under the tree that we tried to sneak peeks at. There was no worry about Santa or any of his reindeer. There was just a great feeling of the need to simply enjoy each other, accept each other, and to be still and know that we are blessed beyond measure to share this time with one another. We laughed, sang, smiled, joked, and clearly were enthralled by the fact that we were all in the same room.

Tonight as I think about what Christmas is, the excitement that the very word brings to my soul, I can't help but think about God's love letter to the world sent to make a way for all. I can't help but think that when he crafted this letter he know exactly what he was doing. And he knew that so many years later my family would gather in a room and share and celebrate that love with one another.

The older I get, and the more experiences I gain, the more valuable all of this becomes. For life is truly a treasure. It is something that should be savored. You can't get a single moment back, and what's happening right this minute is the most important.


AND

There is nothing more that I could ask for.

Phenomenal Woman

Four special women:

There are way more than four, but these are the four that I have been writing about for quite sometime, and have finally decided to publish. 

1. My mother: My mother is the definition of a godly woman. She's extended her hand to help others my entire life. Before me, she was a missionary. When my brother was born, she decided that we(her kids) would become her mission field. She's poured her life into making sure that my brother's and I have what we need. (and my daddy, too.) She tells me frequently that we make her life complete, that we fulfill her, and that there is nothing more important, and I believe that with all of my heart. She is a phenomenal woman.

2. My nana: My mother's mother was the wife of a minister for over 40 years, and that in and of itself tells an entire story. She's loving, giving, and quite stubborn.(All amazing qualities to have) She's seen hard times. She's know struggles, but she's not bitter, and she trusts in God with all of her heart and has displayed that love to me my entire life. She is a phenomenal woman. 

3. My grandma: My grandma has spent a little over a year fighting and re-cooperating from the fighting, of breast cancer. She's remained in fairly good spirits and has a testimony that won't wait. She's never worked a "job" in her life, but has taken great pride in raising her children and being there for her grandchildren. She has taught me valuable money managing skills, and carried on many of my "save the world" conversations with me. She is a phenomenal woman. 

4. My digi: My digi  is a bit different, because I've known her for a much shorter time, but in that time her story has touched every part of who I am. She has displayed for me what forgiveness truly is. She's shown me the power behind that, and it has helped me to unlock my willingness and ability to forgive. Perhaps shes a mentor? Perhaps she's gone way farther than the call of duty? She's a phenomenal woman. 

Phenomenal is a subjective term, and perhaps only matters to the person that thinks it and the person being referred to, but my perception of phenomenal is defined by these women.

Words Don't Suffice

Tonight driving home from Nashville I talked with a friend that's lost her father. All day I've felt an urgency to speak with her, because I needed to make verbal contact.

As soon as she said hello, I felt her spirit leap through the phone and tell me that she needed to be hugged, that she needed for someone to just listen. SO I listened.

I listened as she told me about her father killing himself, and how confused she is, and how much it hurts.

My brain shuffled for words. For something that might be appropriate to say......................THERE WAS NOTHING.

I extended to her that if she needed something, that if there was something that I could do for her, which I know that their isn't, but to let me know if there was.

I sent my spirit to be with her.

When I hung up the phone, I cried out to God. I asked him to send comfort. To let peace like a river flow through her soul. There are so many things in this world that I don't understand, things that hurt. Struggles don't always make sense to me.

Tonight when I got home, I went straight to see my daddy. I wrapped my arms around him, and I told him how much I love him, and how much I need him. I talked to him about this heaviness for my friend.

As I wrapped my arms around him, all I could visualize is my friend never being able to do that again. I prayed for God to help me to take advantage of every moment. To soak it up.

And I prayed that God let my friend feel the presence of her father embracing her throughout the remainder of her life.

Times like these, there is nothing to say. All we can do is send our spirits to be with someone.
Words don't suffice.

Damn You Gingerbread cookie.............

What is your deal? I told you early this morning that I wouldn't be having anything to do with you. I lost another pound last week, and you're not screwing that up, dear.

Lunch time: Michelle, I'm one cookie.......how much harm can I do?



Seriously? You have a small point here..................................

Do you understand that I've been having to pull up my pants all day long, and I kinda like that feeling........Get out of my face!

Yeah, well......It's one cookie.

See, Ive been saving up for this red velvet cake that I have to eat on my birthday, and I don't really understand what that gingerbread cookie couldn't understand about that.....






OH WELL!

My Burning Bush

See, Moses was at a point of desperation when this bush lit up and he heard God's voice calling him to lead the children out of Israel....

I've been at a point of desperation. Doors have closed, slammed shut in my face. It feels like God has said no, way more than he's said yes, lately. It's been hard. I'm human. I'm strong, but I'm human, and a girl can only handle so many times of feeling like she almost made it through the doorway, just to have her nose almost broken by the slamming of that door in her face.

Dissection of powerful lyrics:

(Maybe a reason why all the doors are closed Is

So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road)

Maybe. Maybe God knows way better what I need, than I do. Yea. He does. Maybe I should let it flow. Stop being so bratty every time that he says "not right now." 

(Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow

And when it's time, you'll know)

I know that when it's all lining up exactly right, that I'll be the first to know. I know that when it's perfectly perfect, that a lot of things that seem to matter right this moment, won't mean a thing then. 

(Just own the night

Like the Fourth of July)

This piece of the lyric was at the end of the verse and I think means something different than where I'm taking it, but this is my blog, so it's my interpretation that counts. 
If I don't own this place I'm in right this minute, if I don't shine like the fourth of July right here, then the person that is destined to fall in love with me, may not ever find the light he's looking for. 

(You just gotta ignite the light

And let it shine)

I can tell you now that the light within me shines. No need to hide it. No need to pretend like I'm not intelligent and beautiful. I can testify to the fact that thoughts have ran through my mind lately that look something like this: 
Maybe if I'd just be a little more quiet about the fact that I want a man that knows how to talk to me.....
Maybe it's not going to be a perfect fit. Maybe it's going to be something that grows on me. 
Maybe?
Maybe if I'd take a more submissive role? 


Yeah. I've had all those thoughts, and I'm very glad that they are just thoughts and that I have NO need to act upon them. 


I'll be a firework. 


Had moses been afraid of his capacity to be a firework, the children would have never made it out of Israel, at least not under his direction. 


I'm not Moses, but I'm Michelle, and if I give in to those thoughts and ignore this burning bush, I may miss what there is for me. 

Lord, I'm Amazed By You.

I'm amazed at how I can bring my brokenness to you, and you can speak life into my weary soul.
I'm amazed at how I can pour out my anxiety, and you fill that place with assurance.
I'm amazed at how instant your love brings peace into my soul.
I'm amazed by how creation screams your name, how everywhere I look your light shines.
I'm amazed.
I'm amazed by your love for me.

At a Red Light

I'm sitting at a red light, because it's red, and I often become distracted while sitting there.(It's the ADD)
Anyway, I'm sitting at the red light and I begin to scan through the radio stations to see if I can find something that I like a little bit better. Ahhh. Brad Paisley.....such a nice drink of water. I become lost in my thoughts for just a moment................Light turns green. Yes. I register it, but there is a little old lady getting on across the road with her dog. The person in the car behind me obviously has no inclination of the fact that they are not the only human in the world. Nor do they realize that wherever they are going will more than likely be there long enough for me to wait for this lady to get across the street with her dog.

The whole world is in a hurry, and especially at this time of the year. People are everywhere trying to figure out how they can outdo the Christmas before. Paying little attention to the fact the things that truly matter, don't have a price tag at all. I love Christmas. I love what my parents made Christmas about for me and my brothers. I love that we often went on trips during this time of the year and spent real time with each other. I love that the true joy of it all was very present in my household, and that we knew year round, but especially at Christmas, that there were other people existing in the world and that we weren't the only ones. I'm proud of the fact that the joy of this season that I celebrate lives within me, and that I'm blessed enough to know that slowing down can open my eyes to all that is good.

Obviously

Obviously parent conferences make me nervous. I'm really not all that sure of why. I'm pretty outgoing~not all that shy, but I've been dreading this process for several weeks now. I feel competent, most days. I'm more than qualified. I know all of that, but I still get nervous when it comes to laying all of that on the table for a parent and explaining to them what I am seeing from their child at school. Perhaps if I were a parent and had sat on the other side of the table before, I would be a bit more relaxed about it? I don't know. I just feel so young. I feel too young to do it, or at least I did until today.

Conference began by me telling the parent how much I truly enjoy her children(twins) that I have gotten to know over the past few months. I pointed out some of their individual qualities and then began to dive into the meat of what needed to be said. I showed her pictures and work that the children had completed, and explained to her how I collect what I collect. For each work sample that I showed her I pointed out why it was significant. The further I went in, the more clearly I could see that this parent was throughly enjoying the fact that I was basically showing her a portrait of her child's development. As I rounded it all up and asked if there were questions, she sat there with a smile on her face. She expressed to me how much her children love me and how they come home everyday with some story of an exciting thing that they did at school that day. She said that they often ask each other, "I wonder what Ms.Michelle would think of this?"

Perhaps twenty, four and five year olds are my biggest fans. Maybe I matter to them way more than I often stop to think about. Of course they are important to me, they're my passion. Giving them what they need is my passion, but perhaps their love for school has been set on fire because of some experience that I've provided them with. It feels good to see the fruits of my labor. And today was the day that I NEEDED to see it.

Confessions of a 22(almost 23) year old lady.

I go to church. Why do I go to church? With intent of worshiping the one who created me, not that I don't do it throughout the week, just that I enjoy corporate worship.

What am I thinking this morning as I take a seat and begin to greet some of the people around me?

"Who is that fine boy on that stage with that guitar? Is he kin to me? I know that some of these guys are my daddy's cousins.Could this be one of them's son? IDK? He doesn't really look like any of them. I feel like I would have seen him before if he were part of the family? GOD, I hope he's not in the family." 

Finally, I just ask my daddy. Who is he? "He is a guy that just started playing with them. He's extremely talented for 21. Wait till he picks up that acoustic!"So he's not kin to us? Right? "No" 

(My thoughts)

"Thank God we're not related! I wonder what his name is. I bet it's something wonderful like Steven, or Zach. Lord, I don't know, but he is some kind of fine. (As he begins to sing) Well heart, I'm going to need you to stay inside of my chest if you don't mind. OMG this boy is AMAZING! Mmmmmm I bet he's a wonderful kisser........OMG what is wrong with me? I'm at church. I should be thinking about other things right now. Not about how fine the boy that's singing about Jesus is, but about Jesus, but damn he is AMAZING. I wonder if he has a girlfriend? Surly she'd be near..........I don't see anyone that fits the criteria.......hmmmmmmm. He's young, maybe he's not in anything serious right now? I need to make sure and catch the name so that I can facebook stalk.............................................."

Just then the light hits his finger just right and I notice that there is a ring on his hand.....yep. Left one. 

(My thoughts) 

"Well, maybe it's his class ring and he just doesn't know that he should wear it on the other hand.......Yeah. I'll go with that. I could totally go for a guy with a guitar. And that voice is not bad at all. The harmony that we could create would be nothing short of wonderful. WHAT THE HELL AM I THINKING? Michelle, you have got to get a hold of yourself"

Just about that time my thoughts were interrupted by my father saying, "Don't worry baby, I already checked and he's married. I know. I almost cried, too." 

First of all I have got to work on controlling my thoughts and second of all I've got to keep my father, of all people, from reading them. 

FYI: I never went through a boy crazy age in high school.....so maybe my time is now.

At the Altar

I decided to go to church very early tonight, because I wanted to work on a few things that I've been writing and I like my keyboard at church way better than the one I have at home. So, I locked myself in and I poured myself out.

Often when I write I pour all of my thoughts onto a page and then I begin to play some sort of chord progression and form some of the words that sound good together into what are my feeble attempts to write a song. I do it for me, so it really doesn't matter how feeble it is. Anyway, tonight was weird. There was a heaviness within me that I can't quite describe. I'm really not that sure where it came from, or why it was lingering, but as I stood there trying to think, I knew that I needed to spend some time in the arms of love.

I laid down on the floor, because some of my deepest revelations have come in the comfort of curling up at the feet of the almighty. Honestly, I didn't say anything to start with. I just laid there and begin to weep. I'm really not even sure what I was crying about, but as my time in that place went on I begin to visualize and pray for different people within my life and myself. 

I asked God questions tonight. I asked him if I'd be "alone" all of my life, or if he'd ever decide that the time was right. I asked why people that love so hard and sow so much good into this world have to hurt the way that they do. I asked why my grandmother seems to be worse mentally each time that I see her. I asked why a precious little girl that has barely tasted life is struggling thorough her best years with leukemia. There's more I'm sure. 

I think I fingered out where the heaviness came from. I internalize it. I guess in a way I feel like if I can hold these things within my heart long enough, they'll somehow be made better. Kinda conceited huh? 

I poured it out. I poured it out on the altar. And though it was in the form of many questions, I could feel God pouring an extra ounce of his love all over me. I could feel Him speaking to the secret places of my heart and saying, "My child, don't you worry, because I've always held you and I won't let go now." 

Did God answer my questions? No. But he did soothe my soul. You see, the questions that I'm asking him aren't ones that I can have the answers to, because if I had those answers there would be little room for trust, or faith. 

I don't have the answers, but I do have the peace.