Damn You Gingerbread cookie.............

What is your deal? I told you early this morning that I wouldn't be having anything to do with you. I lost another pound last week, and you're not screwing that up, dear.

Lunch time: Michelle, I'm one cookie.......how much harm can I do?



Seriously? You have a small point here..................................

Do you understand that I've been having to pull up my pants all day long, and I kinda like that feeling........Get out of my face!

Yeah, well......It's one cookie.

See, Ive been saving up for this red velvet cake that I have to eat on my birthday, and I don't really understand what that gingerbread cookie couldn't understand about that.....






OH WELL!

My Burning Bush

See, Moses was at a point of desperation when this bush lit up and he heard God's voice calling him to lead the children out of Israel....

I've been at a point of desperation. Doors have closed, slammed shut in my face. It feels like God has said no, way more than he's said yes, lately. It's been hard. I'm human. I'm strong, but I'm human, and a girl can only handle so many times of feeling like she almost made it through the doorway, just to have her nose almost broken by the slamming of that door in her face.

Dissection of powerful lyrics:

(Maybe a reason why all the doors are closed Is

So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road)

Maybe. Maybe God knows way better what I need, than I do. Yea. He does. Maybe I should let it flow. Stop being so bratty every time that he says "not right now." 

(Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow

And when it's time, you'll know)

I know that when it's all lining up exactly right, that I'll be the first to know. I know that when it's perfectly perfect, that a lot of things that seem to matter right this moment, won't mean a thing then. 

(Just own the night

Like the Fourth of July)

This piece of the lyric was at the end of the verse and I think means something different than where I'm taking it, but this is my blog, so it's my interpretation that counts. 
If I don't own this place I'm in right this minute, if I don't shine like the fourth of July right here, then the person that is destined to fall in love with me, may not ever find the light he's looking for. 

(You just gotta ignite the light

And let it shine)

I can tell you now that the light within me shines. No need to hide it. No need to pretend like I'm not intelligent and beautiful. I can testify to the fact that thoughts have ran through my mind lately that look something like this: 
Maybe if I'd just be a little more quiet about the fact that I want a man that knows how to talk to me.....
Maybe it's not going to be a perfect fit. Maybe it's going to be something that grows on me. 
Maybe?
Maybe if I'd take a more submissive role? 


Yeah. I've had all those thoughts, and I'm very glad that they are just thoughts and that I have NO need to act upon them. 


I'll be a firework. 


Had moses been afraid of his capacity to be a firework, the children would have never made it out of Israel, at least not under his direction. 


I'm not Moses, but I'm Michelle, and if I give in to those thoughts and ignore this burning bush, I may miss what there is for me. 

Lord, I'm Amazed By You.

I'm amazed at how I can bring my brokenness to you, and you can speak life into my weary soul.
I'm amazed at how I can pour out my anxiety, and you fill that place with assurance.
I'm amazed at how instant your love brings peace into my soul.
I'm amazed by how creation screams your name, how everywhere I look your light shines.
I'm amazed.
I'm amazed by your love for me.

At a Red Light

I'm sitting at a red light, because it's red, and I often become distracted while sitting there.(It's the ADD)
Anyway, I'm sitting at the red light and I begin to scan through the radio stations to see if I can find something that I like a little bit better. Ahhh. Brad Paisley.....such a nice drink of water. I become lost in my thoughts for just a moment................Light turns green. Yes. I register it, but there is a little old lady getting on across the road with her dog. The person in the car behind me obviously has no inclination of the fact that they are not the only human in the world. Nor do they realize that wherever they are going will more than likely be there long enough for me to wait for this lady to get across the street with her dog.

The whole world is in a hurry, and especially at this time of the year. People are everywhere trying to figure out how they can outdo the Christmas before. Paying little attention to the fact the things that truly matter, don't have a price tag at all. I love Christmas. I love what my parents made Christmas about for me and my brothers. I love that we often went on trips during this time of the year and spent real time with each other. I love that the true joy of it all was very present in my household, and that we knew year round, but especially at Christmas, that there were other people existing in the world and that we weren't the only ones. I'm proud of the fact that the joy of this season that I celebrate lives within me, and that I'm blessed enough to know that slowing down can open my eyes to all that is good.

Obviously

Obviously parent conferences make me nervous. I'm really not all that sure of why. I'm pretty outgoing~not all that shy, but I've been dreading this process for several weeks now. I feel competent, most days. I'm more than qualified. I know all of that, but I still get nervous when it comes to laying all of that on the table for a parent and explaining to them what I am seeing from their child at school. Perhaps if I were a parent and had sat on the other side of the table before, I would be a bit more relaxed about it? I don't know. I just feel so young. I feel too young to do it, or at least I did until today.

Conference began by me telling the parent how much I truly enjoy her children(twins) that I have gotten to know over the past few months. I pointed out some of their individual qualities and then began to dive into the meat of what needed to be said. I showed her pictures and work that the children had completed, and explained to her how I collect what I collect. For each work sample that I showed her I pointed out why it was significant. The further I went in, the more clearly I could see that this parent was throughly enjoying the fact that I was basically showing her a portrait of her child's development. As I rounded it all up and asked if there were questions, she sat there with a smile on her face. She expressed to me how much her children love me and how they come home everyday with some story of an exciting thing that they did at school that day. She said that they often ask each other, "I wonder what Ms.Michelle would think of this?"

Perhaps twenty, four and five year olds are my biggest fans. Maybe I matter to them way more than I often stop to think about. Of course they are important to me, they're my passion. Giving them what they need is my passion, but perhaps their love for school has been set on fire because of some experience that I've provided them with. It feels good to see the fruits of my labor. And today was the day that I NEEDED to see it.

Confessions of a 22(almost 23) year old lady.

I go to church. Why do I go to church? With intent of worshiping the one who created me, not that I don't do it throughout the week, just that I enjoy corporate worship.

What am I thinking this morning as I take a seat and begin to greet some of the people around me?

"Who is that fine boy on that stage with that guitar? Is he kin to me? I know that some of these guys are my daddy's cousins.Could this be one of them's son? IDK? He doesn't really look like any of them. I feel like I would have seen him before if he were part of the family? GOD, I hope he's not in the family." 

Finally, I just ask my daddy. Who is he? "He is a guy that just started playing with them. He's extremely talented for 21. Wait till he picks up that acoustic!"So he's not kin to us? Right? "No" 

(My thoughts)

"Thank God we're not related! I wonder what his name is. I bet it's something wonderful like Steven, or Zach. Lord, I don't know, but he is some kind of fine. (As he begins to sing) Well heart, I'm going to need you to stay inside of my chest if you don't mind. OMG this boy is AMAZING! Mmmmmm I bet he's a wonderful kisser........OMG what is wrong with me? I'm at church. I should be thinking about other things right now. Not about how fine the boy that's singing about Jesus is, but about Jesus, but damn he is AMAZING. I wonder if he has a girlfriend? Surly she'd be near..........I don't see anyone that fits the criteria.......hmmmmmmm. He's young, maybe he's not in anything serious right now? I need to make sure and catch the name so that I can facebook stalk.............................................."

Just then the light hits his finger just right and I notice that there is a ring on his hand.....yep. Left one. 

(My thoughts) 

"Well, maybe it's his class ring and he just doesn't know that he should wear it on the other hand.......Yeah. I'll go with that. I could totally go for a guy with a guitar. And that voice is not bad at all. The harmony that we could create would be nothing short of wonderful. WHAT THE HELL AM I THINKING? Michelle, you have got to get a hold of yourself"

Just about that time my thoughts were interrupted by my father saying, "Don't worry baby, I already checked and he's married. I know. I almost cried, too." 

First of all I have got to work on controlling my thoughts and second of all I've got to keep my father, of all people, from reading them. 

FYI: I never went through a boy crazy age in high school.....so maybe my time is now.

At the Altar

I decided to go to church very early tonight, because I wanted to work on a few things that I've been writing and I like my keyboard at church way better than the one I have at home. So, I locked myself in and I poured myself out.

Often when I write I pour all of my thoughts onto a page and then I begin to play some sort of chord progression and form some of the words that sound good together into what are my feeble attempts to write a song. I do it for me, so it really doesn't matter how feeble it is. Anyway, tonight was weird. There was a heaviness within me that I can't quite describe. I'm really not that sure where it came from, or why it was lingering, but as I stood there trying to think, I knew that I needed to spend some time in the arms of love.

I laid down on the floor, because some of my deepest revelations have come in the comfort of curling up at the feet of the almighty. Honestly, I didn't say anything to start with. I just laid there and begin to weep. I'm really not even sure what I was crying about, but as my time in that place went on I begin to visualize and pray for different people within my life and myself. 

I asked God questions tonight. I asked him if I'd be "alone" all of my life, or if he'd ever decide that the time was right. I asked why people that love so hard and sow so much good into this world have to hurt the way that they do. I asked why my grandmother seems to be worse mentally each time that I see her. I asked why a precious little girl that has barely tasted life is struggling thorough her best years with leukemia. There's more I'm sure. 

I think I fingered out where the heaviness came from. I internalize it. I guess in a way I feel like if I can hold these things within my heart long enough, they'll somehow be made better. Kinda conceited huh? 

I poured it out. I poured it out on the altar. And though it was in the form of many questions, I could feel God pouring an extra ounce of his love all over me. I could feel Him speaking to the secret places of my heart and saying, "My child, don't you worry, because I've always held you and I won't let go now." 

Did God answer my questions? No. But he did soothe my soul. You see, the questions that I'm asking him aren't ones that I can have the answers to, because if I had those answers there would be little room for trust, or faith. 

I don't have the answers, but I do have the peace.