Obviously

Obviously parent conferences make me nervous. I'm really not all that sure of why. I'm pretty outgoing~not all that shy, but I've been dreading this process for several weeks now. I feel competent, most days. I'm more than qualified. I know all of that, but I still get nervous when it comes to laying all of that on the table for a parent and explaining to them what I am seeing from their child at school. Perhaps if I were a parent and had sat on the other side of the table before, I would be a bit more relaxed about it? I don't know. I just feel so young. I feel too young to do it, or at least I did until today.

Conference began by me telling the parent how much I truly enjoy her children(twins) that I have gotten to know over the past few months. I pointed out some of their individual qualities and then began to dive into the meat of what needed to be said. I showed her pictures and work that the children had completed, and explained to her how I collect what I collect. For each work sample that I showed her I pointed out why it was significant. The further I went in, the more clearly I could see that this parent was throughly enjoying the fact that I was basically showing her a portrait of her child's development. As I rounded it all up and asked if there were questions, she sat there with a smile on her face. She expressed to me how much her children love me and how they come home everyday with some story of an exciting thing that they did at school that day. She said that they often ask each other, "I wonder what Ms.Michelle would think of this?"

Perhaps twenty, four and five year olds are my biggest fans. Maybe I matter to them way more than I often stop to think about. Of course they are important to me, they're my passion. Giving them what they need is my passion, but perhaps their love for school has been set on fire because of some experience that I've provided them with. It feels good to see the fruits of my labor. And today was the day that I NEEDED to see it.

Confessions of a 22(almost 23) year old lady.

I go to church. Why do I go to church? With intent of worshiping the one who created me, not that I don't do it throughout the week, just that I enjoy corporate worship.

What am I thinking this morning as I take a seat and begin to greet some of the people around me?

"Who is that fine boy on that stage with that guitar? Is he kin to me? I know that some of these guys are my daddy's cousins.Could this be one of them's son? IDK? He doesn't really look like any of them. I feel like I would have seen him before if he were part of the family? GOD, I hope he's not in the family." 

Finally, I just ask my daddy. Who is he? "He is a guy that just started playing with them. He's extremely talented for 21. Wait till he picks up that acoustic!"So he's not kin to us? Right? "No" 

(My thoughts)

"Thank God we're not related! I wonder what his name is. I bet it's something wonderful like Steven, or Zach. Lord, I don't know, but he is some kind of fine. (As he begins to sing) Well heart, I'm going to need you to stay inside of my chest if you don't mind. OMG this boy is AMAZING! Mmmmmm I bet he's a wonderful kisser........OMG what is wrong with me? I'm at church. I should be thinking about other things right now. Not about how fine the boy that's singing about Jesus is, but about Jesus, but damn he is AMAZING. I wonder if he has a girlfriend? Surly she'd be near..........I don't see anyone that fits the criteria.......hmmmmmmm. He's young, maybe he's not in anything serious right now? I need to make sure and catch the name so that I can facebook stalk.............................................."

Just then the light hits his finger just right and I notice that there is a ring on his hand.....yep. Left one. 

(My thoughts) 

"Well, maybe it's his class ring and he just doesn't know that he should wear it on the other hand.......Yeah. I'll go with that. I could totally go for a guy with a guitar. And that voice is not bad at all. The harmony that we could create would be nothing short of wonderful. WHAT THE HELL AM I THINKING? Michelle, you have got to get a hold of yourself"

Just about that time my thoughts were interrupted by my father saying, "Don't worry baby, I already checked and he's married. I know. I almost cried, too." 

First of all I have got to work on controlling my thoughts and second of all I've got to keep my father, of all people, from reading them. 

FYI: I never went through a boy crazy age in high school.....so maybe my time is now.

At the Altar

I decided to go to church very early tonight, because I wanted to work on a few things that I've been writing and I like my keyboard at church way better than the one I have at home. So, I locked myself in and I poured myself out.

Often when I write I pour all of my thoughts onto a page and then I begin to play some sort of chord progression and form some of the words that sound good together into what are my feeble attempts to write a song. I do it for me, so it really doesn't matter how feeble it is. Anyway, tonight was weird. There was a heaviness within me that I can't quite describe. I'm really not that sure where it came from, or why it was lingering, but as I stood there trying to think, I knew that I needed to spend some time in the arms of love.

I laid down on the floor, because some of my deepest revelations have come in the comfort of curling up at the feet of the almighty. Honestly, I didn't say anything to start with. I just laid there and begin to weep. I'm really not even sure what I was crying about, but as my time in that place went on I begin to visualize and pray for different people within my life and myself. 

I asked God questions tonight. I asked him if I'd be "alone" all of my life, or if he'd ever decide that the time was right. I asked why people that love so hard and sow so much good into this world have to hurt the way that they do. I asked why my grandmother seems to be worse mentally each time that I see her. I asked why a precious little girl that has barely tasted life is struggling thorough her best years with leukemia. There's more I'm sure. 

I think I fingered out where the heaviness came from. I internalize it. I guess in a way I feel like if I can hold these things within my heart long enough, they'll somehow be made better. Kinda conceited huh? 

I poured it out. I poured it out on the altar. And though it was in the form of many questions, I could feel God pouring an extra ounce of his love all over me. I could feel Him speaking to the secret places of my heart and saying, "My child, don't you worry, because I've always held you and I won't let go now." 

Did God answer my questions? No. But he did soothe my soul. You see, the questions that I'm asking him aren't ones that I can have the answers to, because if I had those answers there would be little room for trust, or faith. 

I don't have the answers, but I do have the peace. 

A Choice

(My Eat.Pray.Love. inspired blog) 

The way I see it a woman has many choices that she makes throughout her lifetime and on a daily basis; what shoes to wear with which dress, what fragrance fits the evening best, which eyeshadow makes her eyes sparkle the most. But, some of her most important choices are ones that impact her life on a more serious level.

Society has a way of masking this fact from us, and if we're not careful we might start to think that things that we really do get to choose, aren't choices at all.

See, in some countries women aren't allowed to choose the person that they spend their life with. They don't date. They don't fall in love. They don't choose. But in this country we are privileged to have the freedom of dating, of finding out what we want and what we don't want. Our intuition speaks to us. It tells us whether it works, or not. Do we always listen? I'd say no. We don't always listen, and sometimes that voice inside that's saying "This just doesn't fit" is outweighed by the ones saying," There's this white dress" and  "perfect shoes"and "All my friends will be there" and "My mama loves him" and so on. We listen to the voices around us instead of listening to the one within~and that's the one we have to live with.

After being close to falling into a hole I've decided that this choice is about me. I'm a giving person and I love to be able to make the people in my life happy, but when I make this choice, when I chose the person that I'll spend the rest of my life with, It will be right, and it will be for me.

I've recently had to say to a very "good" guy that my choice is this.............and little did I know this was a proclamation of the fact that I am proud to exercise this right.

I am so glad that I get to choose and that I realize that this is my choice. I'm in a very blessed season of my life, and I can say that I don't always fit. There's not a lot of people my age that agree with me, but there are those few that have been placed in my life for the divine purpose of offering the support that I need to know that I HAVE A CHOICE, and I provide the same for them.

My prayer is that the exercising of my right will in some way enable someone else that lives in that box to be freed from the bondage of thinking that there is a norm to fit. There is no norm. Create your own norm, because in the end you're the one that lives with that norm.


And so, I'll dance with my hair down

 ‎"Love that will not betray you, dismay or enslave you,It will set you free.Be more like the person you were made to be.There is a design,an alignment to cry,of my heart you see,The beauty of love as it was made to be."

I mean I seriously could have written this, and I did slightly alter a word..............too bad I didn't write it :) 

There is something entirely spiritual about these few words. Something very real and very pure. 

Thank God for a good walk and a the good shuffle feature on my ipod!  

If it ain't right in my soul, then it just ain't right.

"There are two ways to be fooled. One is to believe what isn't true; the other is to refuse to believe what is true."
— Søren Kierkegaard


As women, we just know. We have this innate ability to know if it's all lining up or not. Many women are afraid of that, and they do everything that they can to drown that voice out, but thank God that mine screams load enough for me to hear it. 


Compromising yourself=fake=unhappy


That's what I think. 


If it ain't right in my soul, then it just ain't right. 

I Want Real

 ‎"Don't you wanna stay here a little while?Don't you wanna hold each other tight?"

I want to stay here a little while. I want to stay exactly where I am. I want to feel my way into it. I want to be held, and know that by learning about each other I can truly fall in love. I want to be real. I want to be understood, and I want to be loved completely; completely for the person that God has created me to be. I won't hide, and if that can't be handled, then it'll be time for me to take notice of that fact. 

"Don't you wanna fall asleep with me tonight? Don't you wanna stay here a little while? We can make forever feel this way?Don't you wanna stay?"

I want to hang onto every moment, and never push for the next. I want to breathe in the time that we have right now. I want to sit back and realize my blessings. Be lazy with me. I don't want to make plans. I make plans all the time. I know that I know how to make plans, but I want to know how to NOT make plans. I want to feel it out; figuring moment by moment. I need to feel. I want real. 

This world is full of flashing lights and shiny "relationships". Full of things that look amazing from the outside. It's full of partnerships that are glittery, and to some, the goal in life. I don't want glitter. I don't want flashing lights. I want to sparkle from the inside out, and in order for that to be, we have to just stay. 

Stay with me. Be with me.